Accidental Surrogate for Alpha

Ella

When my panic attack finally eases and I can breathe again, I peek up at Sinclair, tears burning in my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I murmur weakly, hating that my stupid brain ruined our moment.

“Why the hell are you apologizing?” Sinclair counterS, still petting me. He hadn’t let me go even once as I weathered the storm of anxiety and despair, only pulling the pillows and blankets of my nest closer so I would feel secure.

“Because I screwed everything up.” I explain thickly. “I was supposed to be helping you and I fell apart at a mere suggestion.” Shame is coursing through my veins, not because of the panic itself, but because of what it might mean: that I’m too fragile, too broken, to be Sinclair’s Luna.

“Ella, don’t be silly.” He replies, and though I understand he didn’t mean to dismiss my feelings, the words still sting. Sinclair opens his mouth to continue, undoubtedly with some trite placation about how ‘these things happen’ or similar, but I cut him off.

“I’m not being silly!” I insist with exasperation.

What good am I as a mate if I can’t even be there for you when you need me? I get to lie around all day doing nothing while you’re out saving the world. You are constantly taking care of me on top of all your other Worries, and I never give you anything in return. It’s not right. You shouldn’t have to comfort me when you’re the one who needs to decompress!” I burst, throwing up my hands. “All this time we’ve been convinced that I can’t be your Luna because I’m human, but we never even considered that I might not be up to the task, even as a wolf.” My voice is shaking with fresh tears, and I can’t look at Sinclair as I continue, “But now… what more evidence do we need?”

Sinclair doesn’t make a sound, and when I look at him, he’s positively fuming. His heavy breathing and black expression tell me he’s barely holding onto his temper, and the hands which were caressing me mere moments ago are now stationary and stiff. I watch as he struggles to quell his anger, even though I’m not sure what I said to infuriate him this way. After a second he shakes his head, apparently surrendering the battle. “I need a minute, Ella.” He finally growls, “I need to go for a run, but I don’t want to leave you unless you’re alright.”

“Stop it!” I burst, my voice cracking. I’m out of the bed in a heartbeat, pacing back and forth in front of the bed. “This is exactly what I’m talking about!

Stop protecting ne from reality. If you’re angry with me, then be angry! Let me deal with the Consequences of my weakness!”

attack, Ella. If you want to be

last moment, he turns back, his wolf glowing in his eyes. “And for the record, this isn’t special treatment.” He rumbles angrily, “I don’t believe in arguing or taking action when I’m out of control this way. If you need anything while I’m gone,

hall. For a while I simply stand there, staring after him. Im shaking again, and I’m trying my best not to dissolve into a fresh bout of weeping. I consider calling Cora, but I remember the way

to fix this, but I

go after him! She begs. I can’t stand

and it was perfectly safe, we’ll never be

though she’s still beside herself. I climb back into bed, curling into a little ball and pulling the blankets over my head. I haven’t felt this way before, though Sinclair has certainly been angry with me in the past. Hey, I ask my wolf after some thought. Why

the beginning, and when he’s been angry in the past it’s been protective. This is the first time he’s really

back. I assure her, but there’s a small

returns to end our relationship – after all, he lives here. But somewhere deep down inside of me there’s a frightened orphan who imagines I’ll never

we’re not worth the trouble,

I shout at her. His entire life is here. His pack is here. He has too much integrity to

It wouldn’t be the first time. He told us no wolf would ever willingly abandon their pup, especially with humans – but

I cry aloud, clamping my hands over my ears, even though her voice

it, stop it,

body and am watching all this take place. I’ve had out of body experiences before, so

end things. My wolf wails. I want to shush her, but instead I focus on trying to look as though I haven’t just spent the better part of two hours crying like