Chapter 86

Somedays… I question getting out of bed.

I’d add today to that list because… dying.

And I really don’t want to d ie. But how cr uel is this world

that the one thing I wanted… The one thing I hoped could be

granted to me finally is.

Only when I’m too si ck to see the dream become a reality.

I think of the little boy or girl who I’ll probably never get to hold. The eyes like mine or dark like Aaron’s. If they’d have his strength and my compassion. If they’d like chocolate or vanilla

ice cream.

I close my eyes and imagine their laughter. Their first steps.

Seeing them grow up and marry and start their own families.

The hugs and cuddles I’ll never feel. The baby I’ll never get to feed or rock to sleep.

Every beautiful milestone of a child’s life. Walking, talking, learning to read, to ride a bike. Teaching my child to swim and

climb trees.

in my arms when they’re si ck

them each night before they

hundred thoughts come to

my phone. I

call him.

truth. To share this joy-however brief it may be for

think he’d

probably shouldn’t assume.

pleased. It cements Aaron’s claim to this pack

stomach.

I feel

me: We need to abort. You

combat the ca ncer. You can try

my life over my

probably the right choice,

doesn’t feel right.

baby deserves a chance.

through my phone to another

far from my mind, no matter

it. I hit

answered on the second ring.

That voice.

A rumbling bass that I can feel to

extremities.

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