Chapter 86
Somedays… I question getting out of bed.
I’d add today to that list because… dying.
And I really don’t want to d ie. But how cr uel is this world
that the one thing I wanted… The one thing I hoped could be
granted to me finally is.
Only when I’m too si ck to see the dream become a reality.
I think of the little boy or girl who I’ll probably never get to hold. The eyes like mine or dark like Aaron’s. If they’d have his strength and my compassion. If they’d like chocolate or vanilla
ice cream.
I close my eyes and imagine their laughter. Their first steps.
Seeing them grow up and marry and start their own families.
The hugs and cuddles I’ll never feel. The baby I’ll never get to feed or rock to sleep.
Every beautiful milestone of a child’s life. Walking, talking, learning to read, to ride a bike. Teaching my child to swim and
climb trees.
my arms when they’re si ck or
I love them each night before they
hundred thoughts come to
phone. I scroll to Aaron’s
to call
of me wants him to have the truth. To share this joy-however brief it may be
he’d
probably shouldn’t assume.
be pleased. It cements Aaron’s claim to this pack through
stomach.
my heart I feel like I can’t contain
need to
to combat the ca ncer. You can
values my life
it’s probably the right
doesn’t feel
baby deserves
to another name. The
no matter how much
I
call is answered on the second ring.
That voice.
rumbling bass that I can feel to my
extremities.
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