Chapter 86

Somedays… I question getting out of bed.

I’d add today to that list because… dying.

And I really don’t want to d ie. But how cr uel is this world

that the one thing I wanted… The one thing I hoped could be

granted to me finally is.

Only when I’m too si ck to see the dream become a reality.

I think of the little boy or girl who I’ll probably never get to hold. The eyes like mine or dark like Aaron’s. If they’d have his strength and my compassion. If they’d like chocolate or vanilla

ice cream.

I close my eyes and imagine their laughter. Their first steps.

Seeing them grow up and marry and start their own families.

The hugs and cuddles I’ll never feel. The baby I’ll never get to feed or rock to sleep.

Every beautiful milestone of a child’s life. Walking, talking, learning to read, to ride a bike. Teaching my child to swim and

climb trees.

in my arms when

I love them each night before

thoughts come to me and melt

my phone. I scroll to

to call him.

wants him to have the truth. To share this joy-however brief it may

think he’d

shouldn’t

It cements Aaron’s

stomach.

love swirls in my heart I feel like I can’t contain

We need to abort. You

ncer. You can try

my life over

probably the right choice,

doesn’t

baby deserves a

scroll through my phone to another

matter how much I need

ew it. I hit

call is answered on the second ring.

That voice.

deep and raspy. A rumbling bass that

extremities.

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