Chapter 86

Somedays… I question getting out of bed.

I’d add today to that list because… dying.

And I really don’t want to d ie. But how cr uel is this world

that the one thing I wanted… The one thing I hoped could be

granted to me finally is.

Only when I’m too si ck to see the dream become a reality.

I think of the little boy or girl who I’ll probably never get to hold. The eyes like mine or dark like Aaron’s. If they’d have his strength and my compassion. If they’d like chocolate or vanilla

ice cream.

I close my eyes and imagine their laughter. Their first steps.

Seeing them grow up and marry and start their own families.

The hugs and cuddles I’ll never feel. The baby I’ll never get to feed or rock to sleep.

Every beautiful milestone of a child’s life. Walking, talking, learning to read, to ride a bike. Teaching my child to swim and

climb trees.

my arms when they’re si ck or

I love them each night before they

hundred thoughts come to

phone. I scroll to Aaron’s

to call

of me wants him to have the truth. To share this joy-however brief it may be

he’d

probably shouldn’t assume.

be pleased. It cements Aaron’s claim to this pack through

stomach.

my heart I feel like I can’t contain

need to

to combat the ca ncer. You can

values my life

it’s probably the right

doesn’t feel

baby deserves

to another name. The

no matter how much

I

call is answered on the second ring.

That voice.

rumbling bass that I can feel to my

extremities.

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