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71 Finding Out More (Winona)

Having these kids for a full day, I'm still very nervous about it. They aren't saying much and I don't want to press them on the details of their mother. Sarah basically says nothing and Bobby is protective of her, and isn't offering any information either.

Perhaps I'll try asking again later. I mean, these kids are my half-siblings, I'm not sure what to do with them. Abby has been fine about having them here, but four-year-olds are fine about most things, I guess. They talk to Abby, I heard them chattering and laughing with her. So I know they can communicate.

I wonder if their life has been like mine was. Cold, hungry and punished most of the time. Lonely. Tears *swell in my eyes. I'm not letting that bastard take over my life again. I know he'll be back when the money is gone.

I need to be ready and to try and get these kids to a safer home environment. I don't want him in my home. I do feel better now I know I have security watching.

Otherwise, I'd be a complete mess. My nerves are shot at this stage. Wondering what's going to happen. next. Worrying over who knows where we live and told him.

Why? Why is he here?

I'm shaking and the cold sweats have started again. I've been hiding my level of anxiety from Jayden. But every time I hear a sudden noise, or catch a glimpse of something, I almost go into panic mode. I can't even think about leaving my house at this stage. This morning Abby and I did some coloring and I helped her with some counting. She's getting very

very good. counting almost to twenty now. Sarah sat with us but she didn't join in. She seemed to be taking it all in though.

I wonder how much school they've seen. Maybe none.

Abby is thriving and honestly, you wouldn't even know she'd been in hospital fighting for her life not so long ago. Except, I do know. I remember every second of fear and despair that ripped through me at the

time.

The hopelessness I felt thinking about how it might be if I lost her. How nothing else in my life means anything without Abby. I used to think that person was Jayden and it was. Through school, college, I'd have done anything for him probably. But the world was different through the lens of youth.

Since Abby has been conceived, I began to see the world differently. That every sacrifice I ever would make would be for Abby, not for Jayden and I.

I was focused on myself and what I wanted from life. Namely getting away from and staying away from my parents. I'd achieved that. I really hit the jackpot with Anne as a foster parent. That changed me and my outlook about myself.

I never lost the urgency to do well at college and study hard. Being able to provide an income for myself was the most important issue to me. That gave me independence for life. I'd never have to rely on anyone

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71 Finding Out More

else.

course, Jayden's family was stupidly rich. I'd never want for a

my life to be. It was bad enough being so emotionally dependent on him back then. We rely on each other. I often think about how he must have felt when he was trying to regain what his life was after the

that. All I knew was I'd lost a whole year

dried their clothes quickly, so

go out the back. I have some gardening to

look

have some plants to go in and I want to make a swing

hand, and they head to the back

"Okay. Great."

my gardening gloves on and pull on my short rubber boots. "I know you two don't have gardening shoes but it isn't

of flower seedlings. "These are Californian Poppies. The state flower of California. Have you heard of

Sarah shakes her head.

says, "do these have the

"They do, yes."

a lot

brighten the place up. Do

He shrugs.

you and your sister, Bobby. If I

just looks

your mother? Do you know where

71 Finding Out More

+25 BONUS

"Nope. She left us."

know what it's like

push a plant into the dirt. "So you just make a little hole and then press down like this, Sarah.

get away from him, Bobby. Be honest with me so

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