481 Judy’s Service
(Jayden)
Mother's polished mahogany coffin sits at the front, surrounded by white lilies and roses, a stark contrast to the tumultuous life she lived and the wreckages she caused.
It's just Gus and me. No friends, no extended family. Just the two of us and that was what she wanted. Of course she did, just us two solely focused on her.
Gus sits beside me in shackles, the officers are keeping their distance for now and covering all exits. He's leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, his face drawn and pale. He looks like a man carrying the world's regrets on his shoulders. He should be.
I stand up and go forward to place a single rose on top of the coffin. This is it, she's really gone. My emotions are tangled-anger, relief, guilt, and some small, stubborn ache that won't let go. I feel free, and that in itself feels wrong. I go sit next to Gus again.
But she made my adult life Hell and Winona is right, a big part of me won't miss any part of that. I will miss most what I didn't really get, a functional, loving, stable mother.
I'll miss and grieve what I might have had, what I got as a child too young to comprehend that there is evil in the world.
Unfortunately, that was my mother. Perhaps she did her best with the hand she was dealt. Perhaps she made the wrong choices for the right reasons. But whatever it was, it's over now. And I do feel free.
"She always had a flair for the dramatic," Gus mutters, breaking the silence. "Even now, it feels like she's staging some final act by it being just us here."
"Well, she's gone," I say, my voice flat. "I don't want the ashes. You can decide what happens with them. You knew her the best. I'm sorry for her. Her life could've been so different. I'm sorry she couldn't control her own demons. But I'm not sorry for so many other things." Gus nods. "She was a complicated woman. And she did a lot of wrong. None of that is your fault, Jayden."
I clench my fists at my sides, staring at the polished surface of the coffin. "Complicated? That's one way to describe her, I guess. In the end it was all about winning for her, wanting to be right. Years of manipulation, mind games, and trying to control every aspect of my life. So she could feel like she was winning."
Gus stands slowly, his gaze fixed on me. "She thought she was doing what was best for you."
to face him, my anger boiling over. "You think it was best for me to grow up with Greg? To have her poison every relationship I ever cared about? To pit us against each other like pawns in her twisted game? She didn't care
did love you," Gus
snap. "That's control. And you let it happen.
was like for me. I had to make choices too, Jayden. Choices that weren't easy. Leaving her wasn't easy. Watching her marry Greg wasn't easy. And yes, I let things happen that I shouldn't have. But don't think for a second that
something?" I demand, my voice rising. "You had
thought I could make it right from a distance. I thought I could protect
looks at me and places a hand on my shoulder. "Because for me, it was about winning and being right too. But I
my anger momentarily eclipsed by the raw honesty
urgent. "Jayden, I need to ask you something. Brennan
emotional spiel, not because he cares but because he
with that part of my life. I'm signing it over to Greg's
the helm a little longer," Gus says firmly. "That
I snap, my voice sharp.
Gus. This is your fight, not mine.
in your game, or Mother's, or anyone else's. I'm living life on my
but I know it feels right. It is right. Winona is right. I need to get the fuck over myself and
does that look like?" Gus challenges,
revolve around
can try but
giving the
trusting them
make decisions without me
something sustainable, something that allows room for loved ones, something that doesn't réquire anyone to sacrifice their
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