Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M

92. She deserves better.

Rowan.

My eyes snap open. Rays of light hitting me square in the face. I groan in pain. My head was

pounding as if there was someone using it as a fucking drum.

It takes a while to register that I am in my room, in Gabe’s house. It’s something we both did. He

has a room at my house, and I have one in his.

Groaning, I stand up and head to the bathroom. I turn on the shower and step under it. Using my

hands for support, I lean against the wall and try to put my jumbled thoughts in order. I don’t

remember much of last night except drinking.

Fuck! How the hell did I get here? How is it possible that I fell in love with Ava and didn’t realize it

sooner?

The moment the realization hit me, I went straight to the club. I rarely get drunk. I promised

myself not to ever get butt drunk after Noah was born. Normally, I just take a class or two, and

that’s enough. Yesterday, though, I needed it. I needed it badly.

There is no remedy for what I was feeling. No fucking cure. How do you even begin to deal with

the realization that you love the woman that you hated? The same woman you spent nine fucking

years hurting?

I sigh and get out of the bathroom. Feeling like I have aged at least thirty years. I haven’t been this

out of sorts in years.

After getting dressed, I head downstairs. I find Gabe having breakfast.

“Where is June?” I ask, referring to his housekeeper.

“She’s made us breakfast and left. She said that she wanted an early start to the market so she

could get fresh veggies.”

June had a thing against buying from grocery stores. For some reason, she believed that they

weren’t as fresh or organic as they wanted us to believe. She buys all vegetables, fruits, meat,

eggs, and milk from the local market, which is owned by a bunch of farmers.

“How are you feeling?” Gabe asks as I pour myself some coffee.

“Like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

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of me wanted to rush back to her house and tell her immediately. I would have if

believed me

new awareness, I was fucking terrified. Is this how she

Loving me but also knowing

swore never to get

understand how difficult it was to realize that I love Ava. That all this time

have lost my chance with her all because I

and she frowns at me in disapproval. Or when, at times, she looks at me with nothing but

me because I crave her. I follow her around like a damn lost puppy, begging for any scraps of affection she’ll give me. Even if it’s bitterness, I

the only way to be near

to what I did to her. Yet it

nine fucking years?

do with me. Wants me to be completely out of her life

can’t let her go no matter

happen? The last time I

asks me, looking puzzled.

you were in love

the one that insisted

wouldn’t let it go,

Ava. I guess he just knows me

I didn’t want

me you loved Ava, but your insistence at times

was wrong.”

My only wish is that I had relegalized this sooner. Maybe then

have been easier to mend what

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stare off into space. Lost in the bitter memories. Memories where I

My actions

until there

honestly don’t wish to be in your shoes” Gabe whistles and I glare at him. “But you

I want to know when it happened. When

Maybe it happened when we were still married,

a recent thing. All I know is

my hair. I was frustrated and fucking scared. What a lousy

you love someone!

think it was always there. Probably came after Noah was born. I

on to the memory of Emma.

with

know you, Ro. You wouldn’t even have touched her if

I just got what I needed from her while still hating her. I am

were times I imagined she was Emma.” I tell him,

treated her. 1

1

you imagine you were fucking Emma

hold you back? Something that would guard you from

you felt that enjoying S** with her would be

of Emma that you held

on the stool completely

I

like that. I

how the hell

was right, and I used Emma as an escape from

my head, I had already betrayed the love of my life once; how then could

enjoying Ava’s body? It all made sense in

starting to realize that Emma was never