Letting My Brother's Best Friend Take My V-Card

HOPE

JESS

The bathroom floor was cold against my knees as I knelt there, clutching the toilet bowl, my whole body trembling as I emptied what little was left in my stomach. I felt hollow, both inside and out. It had been a week since Luke and Josh's flight

disappeared, and every minute since had been a cocktail of terror, helplessness, and a strange, bitter hope that gnawed at the edges of my mind.

I rinsed my mouth, feeling the sting of acid on my tongue as splashed water on my face. The mirror's glass was fogged from the humidity, obscuring my reflection-

a small blessing. I didn't want to see myself like this, barely holding it together. Laura was finally asleep in the other room, her breathing soft and shallow in the darkness, and I couldn't bear to add my own despair to hers.

Every morning since we arrived in Jakarta, we'd sat at the edge of whatever seat or bed we could find, phones in hand, waiting for a notification. We clung to each tidbit of information, no matter how small: a few planes had landed on the surrounding islands, some with pas their jet-the hope fizzled out. Nothing had come in, and the days without answers were stretching so long they felt like a cruel dream.

rinse away the shadows

HOPE

to keep me tethered and pull me back from the edge. I tilted my head back, letting it run over my face, my neck, and down to my shoulders, each drop like a reminder

I whispered a prayer. I didn't care if it sounded desperate or foolish. "Please let them be okay. Please." The words left me barely above a breath,

there, I felt the tears start to prick at the corners of my eyes. The water mixed with them, carrying them away as fast as they fell. It was easier that way, letting the

end. We'd go home, and our lives would

thought of Luke's voice, the way he used to tease me until I cracked a smile, no matter how hard I tried not

in his grip when he pulled me out of whatever mess I'd managed to stumble into. I didn't realize until now how much I'd depended on h Josh, too-I could see his carefree grin, that dumb sense of humor that made everything feel lighter like the world was just some game, and he'd figured out how to play it. He was my

a small

myself, I stepped out into the dim light of the hotel room. Laura was curled up on her side, her breathing

Cars honked, street vendors set up their stalls, and people moved on with their day, with their lives. And here we we I touched the spot on my neck where Luke's hand had rested the last time we were together, right before he left. His fingers had been warm and steady, a small but solid promise that I'd see him soon. That he'd come back. I squeezed my eyes shut, a

couldn't remember how long I stood there, but eventually, the morning light grew