The Alpha’s Fight for His Omega by Jess K

***Chastity**

Sunday had been a bit difficult. Part of me hadn’t wanted to leave Braxton because I felt like he needed me, but he, and Jax convinced me that he would be ok. The trip back with Rowen had been nice. We spent the whole drive just talking about anything, and everything. I always enjoyed those times because I felt like I was really getting to know him as a person, and how he viewed the world around him.

Monday was back to school as usual. I had been thankful to get back kind of early on Sunday because I was able to finish up a few assignments that were due during the week. We had another pop quiz in Anatomy Monday which I had been nervous about. I could only hope I had done well. True to his word, Alpha Robert had a new self defense instructor. I really liked her too. She was kind, and she paid close attention to everything we did. She talked us through our moves, and movements more than Matt ever did. I really appreciated that about her.

Colby came back from his weekend training just was we were finishing up self defense class. He looked exhausted, but he joined us for dinner, and I told him all about Greg’s service, as well as how Braxton was doing. He was glad Jax, and I were there for him, but I could tell he felt guilty about not being there himself. I had no doubt he would be making a trip home soon. I was going to need to stay though as I had a few papers that were due over the next two weeks. I knew Lexi wasn’t going to be able to go either for the same reason. They would figure it out together though.

Today was Tuesday, and I had an appointment with Dee-Dee. I rushed into my room to drop my book bag. grab my journal, and Lilac before I was out the door again. Today I was determined to focus on my self confidence issues. I had to. I couldn’t keep living with the self doubt I felt every single day. Yes my life was moving forward, but at the same time I felt like I was stuck in one place, not going any where. That had to change. Dee-Dee was just taking her seat on her usual blue bean bag chair when I walked into her office. After I released Lilac, 1 sat down in my purple one, and handed her my journal.

That was our thing. Although it was probably the same with everyone she helped. She read the journal first then we would discuss my entries since my last visit. All of them were about my lack of self confidence so I knew she would want to talk about that today. I sat quietly as I watched Lilac pounce on a toy mouse I brought for her, and waited for Dee-Dee to finish reading. I almost laughed when Lilac brought the mouse to me.

“You know Lilac, Uncle Jax is going to be very upset if he finds out you brought this to me to throw for you.” I said with a giggle, imagining Jax’s face if I told him.

“That’s her kill. She’s bringing it to you to share.” Dee-Dee said with a chuckle.

“So I shouldn’t throw it?”

“You can, but she might glare at you for that. I’m not sure she’ll bring it back either.”

I looked at the mouse then looked back at Lilac, who was looking at me expectantly. With a shrug, I threw the mouse Lilac ran right after it. She batted it around, and pounced on it a bit before she brought it back. to me. With a giggle I threw it again, and she did the same thing again. She was playing fetch. Jax had taught her I couldn’t help, but laugh. Dee-Dee looked me in question, and I indicated for her to watch then threw the mouse. Lilac played with it a bit then brought it right back.

“That poor thing forgot she’s a cat.” Dee-Dee giggled then went back to reading.

“Yeah. My brother has been trying to teach her fetch every time he sees her.” I said as I threw the mouse again.

“No wonder she forgot cats don’t play fetch.”

“Yeah.”

“So, are we ready to talk about this yet?”

“Yes please.”

“It seems you’re eager to talk about this.”

“I am. I’m starting to think that the reason I have no confidence in everyone staying by my side, staying with me, has more to do with me, then them. They’ve worked hard over the months to show me they’re not going any where. That they support me. That they love me. That my life isn’t going to go back to what it once was, but I just don’t trust it. I think at the end of the day the problem is me, in my head, not them.”

“You also think that you have no confidence in the long term between you, and Rowen is because of your lack of confidence in yourself.”

“Yeah.”

“I can understand that. You’re in a unique situation here.”

“How?”

“Usually, when someone has experienced trauma, especially prolonged trauma, it is not recommended for that person to start a relationship because they need to focus on rebuilding themselves without the added stress of building a relationship with another. The problem, and the blessing at the same time is that the relationship you have is with your mate. I can’t tell you to not have a relationship with Rowen because he is your mate. It just doesn’t work like that. Especially in the long term It can actually cause severe depression to keep mates apart like that. Yes it would be better if you two were just friends right. now, but that is not a viable option with mates. Once you’ve found your mate, that’s it. Usually Yes rejection happens with mates, as you well know, but not often. It’s not possible to tell mates to just be friends. They’re too drawn to each other. That can make therapy difficult because you’re trying to rebuild yourself, but at the same time you’re trying to give your all to a relationship. It’s a struggle, and it does. make you question the relationship.”

“You said it’s also a blessing.”

“It is because your mate is the one person who will be there, even if you’re not putting everything into the relationship because you’re focusing on you. A mate will always be by your side. They will pick you up when you’re down. They will also do all they can to tell you, as well a show you just how wonderful they think you are. What that means is that while you’re head is telling you one thing about yourself, the person that loves you the most is constantly countering that with their words, and actions.”

“But he did walk away.”

“He did, but he didn’t. You said Jax, and Dimitri said he was at the hospital every day you were there. How often has he not at least answered at least a text message from you?”

“There hasn’t been a day that I have not spoken to him at least once, in some way.”

“Exactly. He told me that he regretted his decision to reject you the moment he did it. He’s also been working to make it right every since.”

“He has told me the same thing.”

“And has he been trying to make it right?”

“Yes. Very much so.”

“Good. Now to your self confidence. There is no one way to work on correcting that. It’s more about seeing what is around you over hearing what’s been beaten into your head.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Alright. Lets start with this. What is one thing that you were told over, and over again, until you believed it?”

“That I’m worthless.”

“Do you think you’re worthless?”

“I….I don’t know.”

“Do you know what you can look at to see if you’re really worthless?”

“No.”

“Where are you right now?”

“You’re office.”

“Right, but I mean where are you that you are in a position to come to my office?”

“OH, Right. I’m a student at Cloverland.”

“Exactly. Was it easy to get into Cloverland?”

“No. I had to have a very high GPA, I also needed a strong essay, as well as good recommendations from others.”

“Right. Who were those recommendations from?”

“Several of my teachers in high school, a few nurses from the pack hospital, and Midwife Wanda.”

“Exactly. If they thought you weren’t worthy to come here, especially Wanda, do you think you would have gotten a recommendation from any of them?”

“L…..No. I don’t think I would have.”

“No you wouldn’t have. Especially not from Wanda because she knows how difficult this program is. More than any of them.”

“True.”

“The other thing is Cloverland receives thousands of applications every year, and from those applications, they only pick twenty. Do you think they would pick someone that wasn’t worthy enough to take one of those slots?”

“No. They probably wouldn’t.”

“They definitely wouldn’t. They only take the best, and the brightest. The ones they feel will one day be head nurses, midwives, and even instructors here or at another school. They put a lot of effort into the students they accept, and they want to make sure that effort is well used.”

“That makes sense.”

“Yes it does. It also is something to keep in mind when you’re feeling worthless.”

“Ok. I can try to do that.”

“Good. The next thing to look at is your friend Lexi.”

“Why Lexi?”

“Do you remember me telling you that Lexi never really had many female friends?”

“Yes.”

“Do you remember me telling you that girls tended to avoid her because she was close with all of the strongest members of the pack?”

“Yes.”

“Well the other side of that was that Lexi, learned the hard way to be careful of the females she trusts.”

“She did? Why?”

“Because there had been females over the years that befriended Lexi for the sole purpose of getting close to those guys. Through her they thought she would be their chance to claim one of them. When it didn’t work out the way those girls hoped, they stopped talking to Lexi. She became distrustful of girls in general, but you, you were different. You didn’t care that she was the Gamma’s daughter or that she was friends to the future Alpha twins, and the Beta. You cared about her, as a person. You did something those other girls didn’t.”

“What’s that?”

“You saw Lexi, and only Lexi, not what you could gain from being friends with her. You showed her, in one or two conversations that you were truly worthy of being her friend, and trusting you.”

“Oh. I……I never thought of that.”

“Because you don’t look at people, and think about what you can get out of them. You see them as the person they are.”

matters most. Who cares what you can get out of someone. If they’re a good

but not everyone is

and Fiona were

look at to know you’re

“Braxton?”

Dimitri, and I still talk regularly. Actually we have a video

“You do?”

me once or twice about his worries for you, he decided he felt he

“Oh. Is he ok?”

is. He just has somethings he needs to

“Oh.”

way you do. You inspired him to turn his life around, be better, and make something of his life. It’s not often that teens look. at just

but am I really worth looking

to my first two points, think about what

the same time her words made a lot of sense to me. Cloverland wouldn’t have accepted me if they didn’t think I was worth the effort. Midwife Wanda wouldn’t have written that recommendation if she

worthless as I thought.”

to believe that about yourself, but that it not even

“There is?”

you to consider

“What’s that?”

“Rowen.”

“Rowen? What about Rowen?”

an Alpha. Alphas are exactly that. They are in charge. They take a back seat to no one, and if they want something they make it happen. They also aren’t known to wait for their mate to be ready to give themselves 100%. Rowen is waiting for you to be ready. He isn’t pushing, he isn’t forcing. He is giving you the time you

needs before his instincts. If he didn’t think you were worth that, he would have marked you long ago, and you wouldn’t be here. You

that. Am I

The damage would have been worse, and long standing. You would probably still be the shell of the girl that walked

“OH. I….”

what you have now, and more. He’s doing his part to make

can see what

will take you time to believe

“Yeah.”

consider when you’re feeling worthless. If you need. examples of your intelligence, again look at where you are, and what your grades were to get

“True.”

“What else?”

“I’m weak.”

you are a great deal smaller than they are. Physically strength isn’t the only type of strength though. In a lot of ways

I’m dealing with these confidence

your abusers in the face, and say what you needed to say. You were also strong enough mentally to know that holding onto the anger, and hurt from their actions against you would hold you back. You didn’t want that so you forgave their actions against. you, so you could move forward with your life. You are mentally strong enough to acknowledge that your self confidence

what you’re

when you’re doubting yourself. Emotionally

“What do you mean?”

to essentially take over everything. This is not your fault, and probably something that you will struggle with for a long time to come. Unfortunately when your fear is trigged it triggers all of your negative emotions to run high which leads to your biggest struggle with your confidence. You view your fear as a negative emotion, but the thing is fear is not a negative emotion. It is a natural response to things. Being afraid of things is not a bad thing, but it can control you if you allow to. You have to learn to control your fear instead of letting it control you.” “How do

you’ve already done it in some

“How?”

you fear

Naomi, Fiona,

“Just them?”

really, but those four I feared

you went to visit Braxton in his cell you were terrified, but you went any way. He put you in the hospital, but you still swallowed your fear, and you went to him.

“It wasn’t easy.”

that is your mental strength at play. Your mental strength helped you swallow your fear, face those four, say what you needed to, and move forward. In Braxton’s case,

“That makes sense.”

it’s hard to accept, but rebuilding your self confidence is going to be a

“Why is that?”

you see yourself means you have to pretty much change your entire line of thinking. It takes a lot of work. It can also be frustrating because you want to see yourself differently, but you just don’t. There will be times you get angry at yourself, and those around you. Talk to someone when you

start yelling at someone I may end up hurting or upsetting them. I don’t want to do

you are going to understand why you’re upset, and hurting. They’re going to support, love, and help

them away? What if I end up pushing Rowen

matter what. They are always there for you. They understand you’re struggling,

“How do you know?”

love you beyond compare. They

“…”

they may have already

“I…..maybe.”

over the last

“OK.”

writing in your journal. Read your entries any time you are

Thank you

“You’re welcome Chastity.”

class with 10 minutes to spare. I was ready as soon as the instructor came in. I pushed my conversation with Dee-Dee to the back of my mind, and focused on class. It wasn’t until after self defense class, during dinner with Colby, Lexi, Norm, and Marcus that I thought about my meeting with Dee-Dee. I was considering all Dee-Dee had said, and not paying attention to what

Chastity. HEY CHAS!” Colby called

I jumped

ok?” Colby

fine. I was thinking about

“Everything ok?”

I was just thinking about

you want to talk about

them about all Dee-Dee, and I discussed. Everyone listened quietly. Sometimes they nodded their heads, but mostly just listened. It felt weird talking about this, but I guess I needed to tell them. They should know how I was feeling. Lexi looked

hard to believe, but no matter what you may say or

me knows that, but…..” I

think you, and I need to

“What? Why?”

need

all of

heads no. With a shrug I followed Colby out of the cafeteria then out of the building. We walked in silence until we reached the pond inside the students woods. Colby sat down at the side of

talk I realized something.”

I asked as I

and well even now it’s rare that

“Oh….I…..”

it

“How?”

really very

I’m sorry about

baby. It’s more my job than yours, to build our relationship, and I never did. Even now, I don’t

I don’t really

you to make demands your whole. life. I still haven’t even apologized to you for my part in what you experienced. I want you

I forgave you a

“Why?”

had to.

should be mad

“Why?”

how I treated

Who would it help? Who would it

“…ne”

been caught between the two of us. That’s not fair to them, or to us. I can’t move forward with

part of the reason you lack any confidence in

know that Colby, but ! can’t be mad at you

not? I don’t

let me

“Sure.”

me, and to ignore me or talk to

“Aurora.”

spend convincing you to

“All of my life.”

get you to behave that way? What did she

6, I think when she died. I remember, when we moved in with you, and dad, Aurora telling me you were nothing. You were nothing to our family. Jax straightened that out real quick. I remember any time she would say something like that Jax would flip out. Aurora would come to me later, and would coo about how I was something special, but I had to prove it by not having anything to do with you. If I got mad at you for something stupid she would praise me for yelling at

dad, and Jax. At first she paid a lot of attention to me. She started talking about me challenging Jax when I returned from Beta school. Telling me that I was better about being a Beta than he was, but I wasn’t, and I knew that. I also

of Aurora if I wanted to continue, and I said no. I told him how I felt about it. Aurora, she lost her mind that night, after dad left for a late meeting with Joe. Screaming at me that I was worthless, and a failure. I had one job to do, and she expected me to do it. She wouldn’t accept a failure like me. That she would throw me out if I didn’t continue my training as she expected. She said she had plans

that, but requested that I continue my Beta training in case Jax needed me to step in for him for any reason. Dad felt it would benefit us both if I at least had a clue what I was doing. I agreed, on the condition that I start serious warrior training. I also told

go against her again. I only did once after that, and that was the time she tried to convince me to beat you. You were so tiny that I knew one swing from me would potentially kill you. I also knew that Jax would murder me if I laid a hand on you. She of course was furious with me, but I reminded her that if you died at my hands that I would not be around to make her dream of me overthrowing Jax a reality. That no matter how much you were ignored by others, murder was still murder, and I would be punished for it. She backed off at that point, but still made sure

knew how to get you to do what she wanted. She also spent your

it right, and I knew

the one thing we want as pups is our parent’s love,

“It was still wrong.”

was, but what

“Been more like Jax.”

she started on you, and how she expected you to behave long before you moved back in. I’ve heard how she used to talk about my mom, and me. You were very young, and impressionable when she started on you. She was also your mother. You wanted her love, and acceptance, so

Jax