Jane

Come on munchkins, we’re going on an adventure!” I announce, get your coats.

The pups look at me suspiciously. What kinda venture?” Riley asks.

Their first therapy session had helped more than I expected. I don’t know everything they talked about with the doctor, but I expect having another adult reassuring them that they were loved and safe helped set them at ease. They still aren’t really talking to me, but they’re not fighting me as hard as they were before either.

The hardest part is still when they wake in the middle of the night crying out in fear, then asking for Ethan when I go to comfort them. It’s the worst with Paisley. She’s never lived without her father before, and I’m trying to keep a special eye on her. She asks for him more than any of the others, and it seems most difficult for her to believe we can’t simply call him and ask for a visit. The more time that passes the angrier I become with Ethan for leaving our babies. It’s one thing to hurt me, but another entirely to hurt them. I’ve decided to distract them anyway

I can, to try and make them feel like our family is whole without Ethan – not that this is an easy feat.

“A Christmas adventure.” I answer, coming back to the present. We were away for so long we’re very behind on decorating and baking, and doing all the fun holiday things!”

What fun holiday things?” Paisley asks, looking curious now.

Well, for one thing – every year we go to this beautiful christmas tree farm, then we go on sleigh rides and pick out a tree and cut it down ourselves. And every night there’s a bonfire with hot cocoa and smores…” I lower my voice to a whisper. “Sometimes Santa even turns up.”

Santa?! ” She exclaims, looking to her siblings for confirmation. Unfortunately they’re not beside her anymore, because the moment I mentioned the tree farm they went racing for their coats.

right.” I confirm, offering her a big smile. “It’s going to be so

holiday spirit, playing Christmas carols and singing badly until they join in. Before long the car is a cacophony of wrong lyrics and tone deaf voices, and I feel better than I have since returning home. This Christmas will certainly be bittersweet, but the more

the farm I double check the kids’ winter clothes before releasing them into the deep snow, and they bound away through the white powder like the excitable

as finally seeing my children all together at this special time of

we can be happy again sometime in the future. I still feel raw and fragile to my core, and I know that the months ahead are going to be incredibly difficult, but as long as I remember to cherish these little moments, I think I can get through the worst of it. After all, I survived Ethan

drivers what the horses’ names are and feeding them carrots before bundling into the old-fashioned vehicles. There

shivering in her little

I encourage, pulling her into my la*p, “you’re not used to all the ice and snow

like it though.” She says thoughtfully, Snuggling closer. “Is fun to

Daddy used to do at Christmas, hmm?” It’s dangerous to bring up Ethan, especially with Paisley, but I want to try and make her feel as at home as possible with

Daddy always took me to meet Santa at the mall.” She answers thoughtfully. We’d decorate the tree together on Christmas eve, then go

Is there anything you want to do this year to celebrate? I don’t know if I

love baking.” She exclaims, looking up at me curiously.Will Daddy

and now I feel like crying for a completely different reason. “I

he called?” Riley asks, “doesn’ he wanna

proclaim, not sure if I’m telling the truth or a lie. “But he must be very very

me.” Paisley insists, And he would never miss

miss being with you for the holidays.” I assure them, “He loves you

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