Jane

Come on munchkins, we’re going on an adventure!” I announce, get your coats.

The pups look at me suspiciously. What kinda venture?” Riley asks.

Their first therapy session had helped more than I expected. I don’t know everything they talked about with the doctor, but I expect having another adult reassuring them that they were loved and safe helped set them at ease. They still aren’t really talking to me, but they’re not fighting me as hard as they were before either.

The hardest part is still when they wake in the middle of the night crying out in fear, then asking for Ethan when I go to comfort them. It’s the worst with Paisley. She’s never lived without her father before, and I’m trying to keep a special eye on her. She asks for him more than any of the others, and it seems most difficult for her to believe we can’t simply call him and ask for a visit. The more time that passes the angrier I become with Ethan for leaving our babies. It’s one thing to hurt me, but another entirely to hurt them. I’ve decided to distract them anyway

I can, to try and make them feel like our family is whole without Ethan – not that this is an easy feat.

“A Christmas adventure.” I answer, coming back to the present. We were away for so long we’re very behind on decorating and baking, and doing all the fun holiday things!”

What fun holiday things?” Paisley asks, looking curious now.

Well, for one thing – every year we go to this beautiful christmas tree farm, then we go on sleigh rides and pick out a tree and cut it down ourselves. And every night there’s a bonfire with hot cocoa and smores…” I lower my voice to a whisper. “Sometimes Santa even turns up.”

Santa?! ” She exclaims, looking to her siblings for confirmation. Unfortunately they’re not beside her anymore, because the moment I mentioned the tree farm they went racing for their coats.

offering her a big smile. “It’s

pile into the car, and as we drive up into the mountains I gradually nudge them into the holiday spirit, playing Christmas carols and singing badly until they join in. Before long the car is a cacophony of wrong lyrics and tone deaf voices, and I feel better than I have since returning home. This Christmas will certainly be bittersweet, but the more we get out

the farm I double check the kids’ winter clothes before releasing them into the deep snow,

the horse drawn sleighs, with Paisley racing along excitedly behind them. Maybe it’s the pregnancy, or maybe it’s as simple as finally seeing my children all together at this special time of year, but I feel myself near tears as I watch my littlest chasing after her brothers

feel raw and fragile to my core, and I know that the months ahead are going to be incredibly difficult, but as long as I remember to cherish these little moments, I think I can get through the worst of it. After all, I survived

horses’ names are and feeding

it’s cold!” Paisley tells me, shivering in her little boots in

la*p, “you’re not used to all the

Snuggling closer. “Is fun to play in, it just

your Daddy used to do at Christmas, hmm?” It’s dangerous to bring up Ethan, especially with Paisley, but I want to try and make her

Santa at the mall.” She answers thoughtfully. We’d decorate the tree together on Christmas eve, then go to the

head. Is there anything you want to do this year to celebrate? I don’t know if

I love baking.” She exclaims, looking up at me curiously.Will

looking at me hopefully, and now I feel like crying for a completely different reason. “I don’t think

he called?” Riley asks, “doesn’ he wanna talk to

if I’m telling the truth or a lie. “But he must be very

makes time for me.” Paisley insists, And he would

you for the holidays.” I assure them, “He loves

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