The Perfect Run

From Friday the 13th to Candyman, Ryan had seen all the slasher movies.

He had acted in a few too, either as the relentless terminator during his brief Punisher phase, or as the lonely target pursued by malevolent Psychos. He still looked back fondly on that run where he escaped the Centipede with only his boxers on. Good times.

So the current situation was nothing extraordinary. Night Terror was just Freddy Krueger, except he could attack people while they were awake. Pluto was Death from Final Destination. The Vamp was a trap; literal death by sex. As for Sparrow… she didn’t fit any box.

Perhaps she would be the final girl? The assassin was a bit old for the role, but Ryan was nothing if not open-minded.

Anyway, he and Atom Cat had managed to escape through the woods, eventually moving far enough that Sparrow could no longer target them with lasers. The duo followed a hiking path down a wooded valley, surrounded by lush green ferns, verdant trees, orchids, and cascading water. Ryan recognized the area as the Valle Delle Ferriere, a natural reserve pre-war.

Unfortunately, the courier sensed Pluto’s power active on his person. His heartbeat raced unnaturally, his fingers twitched with tension, and he almost tripped on a rock at one point. They had put distance between the Augusti Underboss and themselves, but she wouldn’t relent.

“If we continue south, we should reach the rendezvous point with Shortie.” Ryan checked his phone, trying to contact the Soviet Supreme without avail. “Something is jamming my cell phone.”

“Probably Vulcan’s tech,” Atom Cat said. “Cut your phone off, they might be able to track it down.”

Good point, and it would spare Ryan more messages from Lucky Girl. “How far do you think Night Pajama’s range extends?”

“I don’t know,” Atom Cat admitted, checking Ryan’s neck. Red marks marred his skin where the Bloodstream hallucination had choked him. “Are you okay? I admit I was quite scared when I saw you freak out like a man possessed.”

Aww, he cared! Though after putting Ryan through such a scare, Night Pajama would suffer the Luigi treatment. “Continue south, I will go east.”

“You want us to split?”

That was a big no-no in slasher movies, but the courier was no helpless teenager. “Cruella can only target one person at once, and she’s focusing on me. I will lead her into a trap. If you escape, we’ve won.”

Also, Ryan couldn’t risk having the Killer Seven track them to the rendezvous point. Risking his own life was one thing, endangering Len’s was another.

Felix immediately protested, “I’m not leaving you to die, Ryan.”

“Trust me, Kitten,” the courier said, while grabbing a revolver in each hand. He would have taken a dose of Rampage too, if he didn’t worry Pluto’s power might worsen the side-effects. “I do better without teams.”

“But—”

“Do I have to shoot you too?”

The Kitten finally understood it was time to let the adults do their thing. “Okay,” Felix said, though he clearly didn’t like it. “Okay, I will trust you. But don’t you dare die for me.”

“God forbid, your sister would nag me in the afterlife if I did. Now go.”

With one last glance, Atom Kitten followed the hiking trail south, while the courier moved east.

Ryan strolled through the woods, even as he sensed Pluto’s invisible pressure growing stronger. He passed before the mossy ruins of houses and mills, and eventually followed a path following a tumbling river. He soon reached a wide area, with woods on one side, and a small waterfall on the other. A river coursed through a path of whetstone, which allowed one to step from one side to the other.

Leaves bristled as shadows approached. Ryan raised his guns, as multiple figures seemed to surround him; with the darkness, he couldn’t see clearly.

And yet… as a sweet, delicious perfume filled the air, the courier couldn’t help but relax. The tension in his body seemed to vanish, as an invisible voice told him to relax.

Slowly, a figure emerged from the bushes; she was the most beautiful sight the courier had seen in his entire life, in all his runs combined. A gorgeous redhead with a curvaceous body, and perfect skin; even her few freckles only enhanced her appeal. Her lips were red as blood, her eyes shining emeralds. Her red jacket seemed like a forbidden frontier, the promise of untold pleasure to whoever could get past it.

When he saw her, Ryan immediately wanted to drop everything, slam her against a tree, and give her the Full Romano Special.

“Hey,” the Vamp said with a warm, lovely smile, revealing her empty hands. Even her voice aroused the courier. “It’s okay. You’re safe. My poor boy, you must have been so scared, all alone in the woods.”

“Are you an angel?” By now, Ryan’s pop culture-infested subconscious was in full control of his body. “They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe.”

“I can be your angel if you want,” the redhead said, putting a hand on her jacket’s zipper. “Just throw your weapons away, and… I’ll show you heaven.”

Who was Jasmine again? This was the perfect waifu. The romance endgame, the true ending.

But as Ryan was about to turn this horror movie into a porno, he realized one problem with this scenario.

“Gingers can’t go to heaven,” he said, “they don’t have souls.”

“What?”

And then he shot her.

The bullet impacted the killer’s chest and tossed her back against a tree, but didn’t shed blood. Oh, come on, what kind of supervillain wore a bulletproof vest nowadays? Ryan knew he should have aimed for the head!

protested in

maniac. “I know your game, succubus! Each of your freckles is a soul

a tree to avoid getting shot. Damn, this always happened when he tried to blow off stress! “Richie, get your ass over here!”

a tolerance,” Ryan replied, as he reloaded his guns. “Frankly, I’ve tried much stronger aphrodisiacs than your pheromones. You

from behind her cover, “a kiss and your vitals

faces emerged from the woods to surround Ryan from all sides. “Dear guest.” Five vicious clowns, each armed with napkins and silver cutlery. “The

it collapsed into a white substance. These illusions could harm him like the real

around bushes like a stalking lion, her hands now letting out some kind of colored smoke. Lethal pheromones,

instantly. However, unlike Bloodstream’s ghost before, when time resumed, the clowns

best you’ve got, Pajamas?” he taunted Night Terror, as he slaughtered his way through the clowns. “I

by darkness and dead clowns, a new smell filled the air. One that filled him with anxiety and dread. The stench

“Riri.”

turned around,

on the whetstone near the waterfall,

intellectually, he knew this

tears while letting out an ear-piercing

was so startled by the sight, that the illusion had closed the gap before he could aim. She used one arm to push him against a tree, and the other to try and stab him with a knife. The courier had to drop one of his guns to catch her hand and keep the blade away; he then attempted to aim with his remaining gun, even as his

Len, but Ryan himself. “You’re still in that bed, and this

it made him lose focus for an instant. Night Terror’s blade instantly hit Ryan’s thigh, though the courier managed to

the scary special effect failure kept him pinned to a tree, Vamp emerged from her hiding spot. “You should have taken the easy way out, jackass,” she told Ryan as her

replied with a scowl

transformed. From a nightmarish, twisted version of Len, to a

“There you are.”

Terror away, and shot him twice in

Genome’s corpse crashed against a surprised Vamp and caused her to trip on the whetstones, nearly falling into

in surrender, her scent filling Ryan with a mix

do everything Ryan wanted; he just had to drop his gun, and take her

smile. “Yes, lower that gun, and I

menace in the head before she could tempt

he quipped, as the waters dragged the

remove it without risking bleeding out, even with his enhanced

distance, south of his location. It seemed Atom Cat was fighting for his

in intensity. His heart felt as if

“I’m impressed.”

Pluto.

Was she hiding behind a tree? Down the

long before, at least not without backup.” Pluto fell silent for a brief instant, while Ryan tried to locate her by sound. “You are Quicksave, are you not? My niece

a scowl. He couldn’t hear right with that heartbeat drum in his

that made Ryan wonder if she was joking.

masochism, but the courier couldn’t help but be a relentless flirt. “Can’t we solve our differences the noble way, with an arranged

so I could only focus on one of you only. But Sparrow

so far because Pluto wanted an audience, but he had no idea what would happen

A universe that my curse cannot touch.” Her voice was

least it meant that while Pluto could kill Ryan now and track him in future loops, she couldn’t put the courier down permanently. The news came

he could confirm the same with Cancel, that would be

ferociously to live, then there is a cost to pay, even if you can recover,” the Underboss said with sharp insight. “Stay out of this, Quicksave. My

you’re too poor to afford my

“Then die.”

the full strength of her

ground quaked below his feet, and a terrible wind blew through the trees. Leaves flew in his direction, and before Ryan knew what hit him, they cut through his

the projectiles and toss his gun

a respite from my curse by breaking the flow

from behind. A noose-shaped branch from a tree grabbed his neck and raised him above the ground, tightening its hold. At the same time, Night Terror’s knife moved

short distance, Pluto’s curse outright warped reality. It caused the world itself to

the courier heard a gunshot in the distance. Pluto had decided

freezing time, Ryan managed to break the branch holding him prisoner, removed Night Terror’s knife, and tossed it aside before it could worm its way to his vitals. As he

the risk was too great. If Pluto’s power could affect it, then

time resumed, than he almost tripped and broke his skull against a large stone. His movements slowed down, his heart

Beep.

familiar sound coming from inside

The A-bomb!

shit! Pluto’s power prioritized killing

his clothes, and hastily disabled it. Thankfully, the temporal

resumed, he found himself

arms before he hit a