The Perfect Run

From Friday the 13th to Candyman, Ryan had seen all the slasher movies.

He had acted in a few too, either as the relentless terminator during his brief Punisher phase, or as the lonely target pursued by malevolent Psychos. He still looked back fondly on that run where he escaped the Centipede with only his boxers on. Good times.

So the current situation was nothing extraordinary. Night Terror was just Freddy Krueger, except he could attack people while they were awake. Pluto was Death from Final Destination. The Vamp was a trap; literal death by sex. As for Sparrow… she didn’t fit any box.

Perhaps she would be the final girl? The assassin was a bit old for the role, but Ryan was nothing if not open-minded.

Anyway, he and Atom Cat had managed to escape through the woods, eventually moving far enough that Sparrow could no longer target them with lasers. The duo followed a hiking path down a wooded valley, surrounded by lush green ferns, verdant trees, orchids, and cascading water. Ryan recognized the area as the Valle Delle Ferriere, a natural reserve pre-war.

Unfortunately, the courier sensed Pluto’s power active on his person. His heartbeat raced unnaturally, his fingers twitched with tension, and he almost tripped on a rock at one point. They had put distance between the Augusti Underboss and themselves, but she wouldn’t relent.

“If we continue south, we should reach the rendezvous point with Shortie.” Ryan checked his phone, trying to contact the Soviet Supreme without avail. “Something is jamming my cell phone.”

“Probably Vulcan’s tech,” Atom Cat said. “Cut your phone off, they might be able to track it down.”

Good point, and it would spare Ryan more messages from Lucky Girl. “How far do you think Night Pajama’s range extends?”

“I don’t know,” Atom Cat admitted, checking Ryan’s neck. Red marks marred his skin where the Bloodstream hallucination had choked him. “Are you okay? I admit I was quite scared when I saw you freak out like a man possessed.”

Aww, he cared! Though after putting Ryan through such a scare, Night Pajama would suffer the Luigi treatment. “Continue south, I will go east.”

“You want us to split?”

That was a big no-no in slasher movies, but the courier was no helpless teenager. “Cruella can only target one person at once, and she’s focusing on me. I will lead her into a trap. If you escape, we’ve won.”

Also, Ryan couldn’t risk having the Killer Seven track them to the rendezvous point. Risking his own life was one thing, endangering Len’s was another.

Felix immediately protested, “I’m not leaving you to die, Ryan.”

“Trust me, Kitten,” the courier said, while grabbing a revolver in each hand. He would have taken a dose of Rampage too, if he didn’t worry Pluto’s power might worsen the side-effects. “I do better without teams.”

“But—”

“Do I have to shoot you too?”

The Kitten finally understood it was time to let the adults do their thing. “Okay,” Felix said, though he clearly didn’t like it. “Okay, I will trust you. But don’t you dare die for me.”

“God forbid, your sister would nag me in the afterlife if I did. Now go.”

With one last glance, Atom Kitten followed the hiking trail south, while the courier moved east.

Ryan strolled through the woods, even as he sensed Pluto’s invisible pressure growing stronger. He passed before the mossy ruins of houses and mills, and eventually followed a path following a tumbling river. He soon reached a wide area, with woods on one side, and a small waterfall on the other. A river coursed through a path of whetstone, which allowed one to step from one side to the other.

Leaves bristled as shadows approached. Ryan raised his guns, as multiple figures seemed to surround him; with the darkness, he couldn’t see clearly.

And yet… as a sweet, delicious perfume filled the air, the courier couldn’t help but relax. The tension in his body seemed to vanish, as an invisible voice told him to relax.

Slowly, a figure emerged from the bushes; she was the most beautiful sight the courier had seen in his entire life, in all his runs combined. A gorgeous redhead with a curvaceous body, and perfect skin; even her few freckles only enhanced her appeal. Her lips were red as blood, her eyes shining emeralds. Her red jacket seemed like a forbidden frontier, the promise of untold pleasure to whoever could get past it.

When he saw her, Ryan immediately wanted to drop everything, slam her against a tree, and give her the Full Romano Special.

“Hey,” the Vamp said with a warm, lovely smile, revealing her empty hands. Even her voice aroused the courier. “It’s okay. You’re safe. My poor boy, you must have been so scared, all alone in the woods.”

“Are you an angel?” By now, Ryan’s pop culture-infested subconscious was in full control of his body. “They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe.”

“I can be your angel if you want,” the redhead said, putting a hand on her jacket’s zipper. “Just throw your weapons away, and… I’ll show you heaven.”

Who was Jasmine again? This was the perfect waifu. The romance endgame, the true ending.

But as Ryan was about to turn this horror movie into a porno, he realized one problem with this scenario.

“Gingers can’t go to heaven,” he said, “they don’t have souls.”

“What?”

And then he shot her.

The bullet impacted the killer’s chest and tossed her back against a tree, but didn’t shed blood. Oh, come on, what kind of supervillain wore a bulletproof vest nowadays? Ryan knew he should have aimed for the head!

protested in shock. “You shot

a maniac. “I know your game, succubus! Each of your freckles is

this always happened when he tried to blow off stress! “Richie, get your ass over here!” she shouted. “How

have taken as many mind-altering substances as I did, eventually you build a tolerance,” Ryan replied, as he reloaded his guns. “Frankly, I’ve tried much stronger aphrodisiacs than

ginger devil replied from behind her cover, “a kiss and your

familiar inhuman faces emerged from the woods to surround Ryan from all sides. “Dear guest.” Five vicious clowns, each armed with napkins and silver cutlery. “The

These illusions could harm him like the real ones, but they died like

Vamp left her hiding spot and moved around bushes like a stalking lion, her hands now

the Monaco illusions vanishing instantly. However, unlike

as he slaughtered his way through the clowns. “I killed thousands of them!

was surrounded by darkness and dead clowns, a new smell filled the air. One that filled him with anxiety and dread. The stench of death and disease

“Riri.”

around,

the whetstone near the waterfall, wearing

he knew this was

She cried crimson tears while letting out an ear-piercing shriek, and charged

the sight, that the illusion had closed the gap before he could aim. She used one arm to push him against a tree, and the other to try and stab him with a knife. The courier had to drop one of his guns to catch her hand and keep the blade

Len, but Ryan himself. “You’re still in that bed, and this is all a dying

made him lose focus for an instant. Night Terror’s blade instantly hit Ryan’s thigh, though the courier managed to deviate the attack

scary special effect failure kept him pinned to a tree, Vamp emerged from her hiding spot. “You should have taken the easy way out, jackass,” she told Ryan as

a scowl of pain,

vanish, but instead, it merely transformed. From a nightmarish,

“There you are.”

away, and shot

caused her to trip on the whetstones, nearly falling into the waterfall

the Vamp pleaded while raising her hands in surrender, her scent filling Ryan with a mix of

he just had to drop

forced herself to smile. “Yes,

in the head before she could tempt

the assassins’ bodies down the waterfall.

Ryan let out a sigh of pain, Night Terror’s knife still embedded in his flesh. He couldn’t remove it without risking bleeding out,

of his location. It seemed Atom Cat

barely hear himself think, as his heartbeat rose in intensity. His heart felt as if

“I’m impressed.”

Pluto.

couldn’t locate her. Was she hiding behind a tree? Down

us so long before, at least not without backup.” Pluto fell silent for a brief instant, while Ryan tried to locate her by sound. “You are Quicksave, are you not? My niece asked

with that heartbeat drum in

a tone that made Ryan wonder if she

a relentless flirt. “Can’t we solve our differences the noble way, with

will pass,” Pluto replied, all business. “Your thought process is painfully transparent. Separating so I could only focus on one of you only. But Sparrow is giving chase to the traitor

edge. No calamity had befallen him so far because Pluto wanted an audience, but he had no idea what would happen

it seems strange. As if connected to a second one, far, far beyond my reach. A universe that my curse cannot touch.” Her voice was getting

while Pluto could kill Ryan now and track him in future

he could confirm the same with Cancel, that

Underboss said with sharp insight. “Stay out

too poor

“Then die.”

full strength of her curse at

a terrible wind blew through the trees. Leaves flew in his direction, and before Ryan knew what hit him, they cut through his clothes and skin like

time to dodge the projectiles and toss his gun away, just before the gunpowder inside caused it to

Maybe ten? You can gain a respite from my curse by breaking

opened his mouth for a clever retort, only for something to catch him from behind. A noose-shaped branch from a tree grabbed his neck and raised him above the ground, tightening its hold. At the same time, Night Terror’s knife moved on

warped reality. It caused the world itself to want

heard a gunshot in the distance. Pluto had decided

its way to his

If Pluto’s power

courier step out of the way and time resumed, than he almost tripped and broke his skull against a large stone.

Beep.

a familiar sound

The A-bomb!

Pluto’s power prioritized killing him

any other choice, Ryan froze time, dragged the device out of his clothes, and hastily disabled it. Thankfully, the temporal anomaly canceled the calamitous power and he managed to remove

time resumed, he found himself without

him into the river and down the small waterfall. Ryan managed to protect his head with his arms before he hit a large stone below, but part of