The Perfect Run

From Friday the 13th to Candyman, Ryan had seen all the slasher movies.

He had acted in a few too, either as the relentless terminator during his brief Punisher phase, or as the lonely target pursued by malevolent Psychos. He still looked back fondly on that run where he escaped the Centipede with only his boxers on. Good times.

So the current situation was nothing extraordinary. Night Terror was just Freddy Krueger, except he could attack people while they were awake. Pluto was Death from Final Destination. The Vamp was a trap; literal death by sex. As for Sparrow… she didn’t fit any box.

Perhaps she would be the final girl? The assassin was a bit old for the role, but Ryan was nothing if not open-minded.

Anyway, he and Atom Cat had managed to escape through the woods, eventually moving far enough that Sparrow could no longer target them with lasers. The duo followed a hiking path down a wooded valley, surrounded by lush green ferns, verdant trees, orchids, and cascading water. Ryan recognized the area as the Valle Delle Ferriere, a natural reserve pre-war.

Unfortunately, the courier sensed Pluto’s power active on his person. His heartbeat raced unnaturally, his fingers twitched with tension, and he almost tripped on a rock at one point. They had put distance between the Augusti Underboss and themselves, but she wouldn’t relent.

“If we continue south, we should reach the rendezvous point with Shortie.” Ryan checked his phone, trying to contact the Soviet Supreme without avail. “Something is jamming my cell phone.”

“Probably Vulcan’s tech,” Atom Cat said. “Cut your phone off, they might be able to track it down.”

Good point, and it would spare Ryan more messages from Lucky Girl. “How far do you think Night Pajama’s range extends?”

“I don’t know,” Atom Cat admitted, checking Ryan’s neck. Red marks marred his skin where the Bloodstream hallucination had choked him. “Are you okay? I admit I was quite scared when I saw you freak out like a man possessed.”

Aww, he cared! Though after putting Ryan through such a scare, Night Pajama would suffer the Luigi treatment. “Continue south, I will go east.”

“You want us to split?”

That was a big no-no in slasher movies, but the courier was no helpless teenager. “Cruella can only target one person at once, and she’s focusing on me. I will lead her into a trap. If you escape, we’ve won.”

Also, Ryan couldn’t risk having the Killer Seven track them to the rendezvous point. Risking his own life was one thing, endangering Len’s was another.

Felix immediately protested, “I’m not leaving you to die, Ryan.”

“Trust me, Kitten,” the courier said, while grabbing a revolver in each hand. He would have taken a dose of Rampage too, if he didn’t worry Pluto’s power might worsen the side-effects. “I do better without teams.”

“But—”

“Do I have to shoot you too?”

The Kitten finally understood it was time to let the adults do their thing. “Okay,” Felix said, though he clearly didn’t like it. “Okay, I will trust you. But don’t you dare die for me.”

“God forbid, your sister would nag me in the afterlife if I did. Now go.”

With one last glance, Atom Kitten followed the hiking trail south, while the courier moved east.

Ryan strolled through the woods, even as he sensed Pluto’s invisible pressure growing stronger. He passed before the mossy ruins of houses and mills, and eventually followed a path following a tumbling river. He soon reached a wide area, with woods on one side, and a small waterfall on the other. A river coursed through a path of whetstone, which allowed one to step from one side to the other.

Leaves bristled as shadows approached. Ryan raised his guns, as multiple figures seemed to surround him; with the darkness, he couldn’t see clearly.

And yet… as a sweet, delicious perfume filled the air, the courier couldn’t help but relax. The tension in his body seemed to vanish, as an invisible voice told him to relax.

Slowly, a figure emerged from the bushes; she was the most beautiful sight the courier had seen in his entire life, in all his runs combined. A gorgeous redhead with a curvaceous body, and perfect skin; even her few freckles only enhanced her appeal. Her lips were red as blood, her eyes shining emeralds. Her red jacket seemed like a forbidden frontier, the promise of untold pleasure to whoever could get past it.

When he saw her, Ryan immediately wanted to drop everything, slam her against a tree, and give her the Full Romano Special.

“Hey,” the Vamp said with a warm, lovely smile, revealing her empty hands. Even her voice aroused the courier. “It’s okay. You’re safe. My poor boy, you must have been so scared, all alone in the woods.”

“Are you an angel?” By now, Ryan’s pop culture-infested subconscious was in full control of his body. “They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe.”

“I can be your angel if you want,” the redhead said, putting a hand on her jacket’s zipper. “Just throw your weapons away, and… I’ll show you heaven.”

Who was Jasmine again? This was the perfect waifu. The romance endgame, the true ending.

But as Ryan was about to turn this horror movie into a porno, he realized one problem with this scenario.

“Gingers can’t go to heaven,” he said, “they don’t have souls.”

“What?”

And then he shot her.

The bullet impacted the killer’s chest and tossed her back against a tree, but didn’t shed blood. Oh, come on, what kind of supervillain wore a bulletproof vest nowadays? Ryan knew he should have aimed for the head!

Vamp protested in shock. “You shot

a maniac. “I know your game, succubus! Each of your freckles is a soul

shot. Damn, this always happened when he tried to blow off stress! “Richie, get your ass over here!” she

taken as many mind-altering substances as I did, eventually you build a tolerance,” Ryan replied, as he reloaded his guns.

devil replied from behind her

the woods to surround Ryan from all sides. “Dear guest.” Five vicious clowns, each armed with napkins and silver cutlery. “The Monte-Carlo is

harm him like the real ones, but they died like the originals too. They only had as much power

hiding spot and moved around bushes like a stalking lion, her hands now letting out some kind of colored smoke. Lethal pheromones,

vanishing instantly. However, unlike

the best you’ve got, Pajamas?” he taunted Night Terror, as he slaughtered his way through the clowns.

the air.

“Riri.”

turned around, and faced

stood on the whetstone near the waterfall, wearing

though intellectually, he knew this was

while letting

before he could aim. She used one arm to push him against a tree, and the other to try and stab him with a knife. The courier had to drop one of his guns to catch her hand and keep the blade away; he then attempted to aim with his remaining gun,

Monaco.” The illusion’s voice didn’t belong to Len, but Ryan himself. “You’re still in that bed, and this

the time-traveler, and it made him lose focus for an instant. Night Terror’s blade

have taken the easy way out, jackass,” she told Ryan as her pheromone-charged hand moved towards his neck. “At least I would have fucked

Ryan replied with a scowl

transformed. From a nightmarish, twisted version of Len, to a masked man in

“There you are.”

pushed the paralyzed Night Terror away, and shot him twice in

the Blue Genome’s corpse crashed against a surprised Vamp and caused her to trip on the whetstones, nearly

while raising her hands in surrender, her scent filling Ryan with a mix of desire and regret. “Don’t kill me! I can make it worth your

wanted; he just had to drop his gun, and take her now. “What’s your name?” the

Ricci!” She forced herself to smile. “Yes,

in the head

sex before marriage,” he quipped, as the waters dragged the assassins’ bodies down

in his flesh. He couldn’t remove it without risking bleeding out, even with

for this. The courier heard an explosion in the distance, south of his

hear himself think, as his heartbeat rose in intensity. His heart felt as if it would burst in his chest, and his

“I’m impressed.”

Pluto.

her. Was she hiding behind a tree? Down the waterfall? No,

so long before, at least not without backup.” Pluto fell silent for a brief instant, while Ryan tried to locate her by sound. “You are Quicksave, are you not? My niece asked us that no harm befall you a while

asked me to spare you too,” Ryan replied with a scowl. He couldn’t hear right with that heartbeat drum in his head! “You know, I’ve been meaning to

widowed,” she replied with a tone that made Ryan

help but be a relentless flirt. “Can’t we solve our differences the noble way, with an arranged

so I could only focus on one of you only. But Sparrow is giving chase to the traitor as we speak. Your scheme changed

Ryan shook his head, on edge. No calamity had befallen him so far because Pluto wanted an audience, but he had no idea what would happen once she

far, far beyond my reach. A universe that my curse cannot touch.” Her voice was getting closer. “You’re not really here, are you? You’re just a projection. Even

survive two of me.” At least it meant that while Pluto could kill Ryan now and track him in future loops, she

only he could confirm the same with Cancel, that would be

recover,” the Underboss said with sharp insight. “Stay out of this,

poor to

“Then die.”

of her curse at him, and the world

his direction, and before Ryan knew what hit him, they cut through his clothes and skin like razors. The gun in the courier’s hands made a worrying

the projectiles and toss his gun

heard Pluto taunting him as time resumed. “You freeze time for a few seconds. Five? Maybe ten? You can gain a respite from my curse by breaking the flow of causality, but at

a tree grabbed his neck and raised him above the ground, tightening its hold. At the same time, Night Terror’s knife moved on its own, worming

curse outright warped reality. It caused the world itself

the courier heard a gunshot in the distance. Pluto had decided to speed his

could worm its way to his vitals. As

too great. If Pluto’s power could

courier step out of the way and time resumed, than he almost tripped and broke his skull against a large stone. His movements slowed down, his heart beating so fast his enhanced body couldn’t keep up with

Beep.

heard a familiar sound coming from inside

The A-bomb!

Pluto’s power prioritized killing him over

hastily disabled

when time resumed, he found himself without

protect his head with his arms before he hit a large stone below, but part of the natural structure collapsed behind him. A pile of rubble buried him from the