The Perfect Run

From Friday the 13th to Candyman, Ryan had seen all the slasher movies.

He had acted in a few too, either as the relentless terminator during his brief Punisher phase, or as the lonely target pursued by malevolent Psychos. He still looked back fondly on that run where he escaped the Centipede with only his boxers on. Good times.

So the current situation was nothing extraordinary. Night Terror was just Freddy Krueger, except he could attack people while they were awake. Pluto was Death from Final Destination. The Vamp was a trap; literal death by sex. As for Sparrow… she didn’t fit any box.

Perhaps she would be the final girl? The assassin was a bit old for the role, but Ryan was nothing if not open-minded.

Anyway, he and Atom Cat had managed to escape through the woods, eventually moving far enough that Sparrow could no longer target them with lasers. The duo followed a hiking path down a wooded valley, surrounded by lush green ferns, verdant trees, orchids, and cascading water. Ryan recognized the area as the Valle Delle Ferriere, a natural reserve pre-war.

Unfortunately, the courier sensed Pluto’s power active on his person. His heartbeat raced unnaturally, his fingers twitched with tension, and he almost tripped on a rock at one point. They had put distance between the Augusti Underboss and themselves, but she wouldn’t relent.

“If we continue south, we should reach the rendezvous point with Shortie.” Ryan checked his phone, trying to contact the Soviet Supreme without avail. “Something is jamming my cell phone.”

“Probably Vulcan’s tech,” Atom Cat said. “Cut your phone off, they might be able to track it down.”

Good point, and it would spare Ryan more messages from Lucky Girl. “How far do you think Night Pajama’s range extends?”

“I don’t know,” Atom Cat admitted, checking Ryan’s neck. Red marks marred his skin where the Bloodstream hallucination had choked him. “Are you okay? I admit I was quite scared when I saw you freak out like a man possessed.”

Aww, he cared! Though after putting Ryan through such a scare, Night Pajama would suffer the Luigi treatment. “Continue south, I will go east.”

“You want us to split?”

That was a big no-no in slasher movies, but the courier was no helpless teenager. “Cruella can only target one person at once, and she’s focusing on me. I will lead her into a trap. If you escape, we’ve won.”

Also, Ryan couldn’t risk having the Killer Seven track them to the rendezvous point. Risking his own life was one thing, endangering Len’s was another.

Felix immediately protested, “I’m not leaving you to die, Ryan.”

“Trust me, Kitten,” the courier said, while grabbing a revolver in each hand. He would have taken a dose of Rampage too, if he didn’t worry Pluto’s power might worsen the side-effects. “I do better without teams.”

“But—”

“Do I have to shoot you too?”

The Kitten finally understood it was time to let the adults do their thing. “Okay,” Felix said, though he clearly didn’t like it. “Okay, I will trust you. But don’t you dare die for me.”

“God forbid, your sister would nag me in the afterlife if I did. Now go.”

With one last glance, Atom Kitten followed the hiking trail south, while the courier moved east.

Ryan strolled through the woods, even as he sensed Pluto’s invisible pressure growing stronger. He passed before the mossy ruins of houses and mills, and eventually followed a path following a tumbling river. He soon reached a wide area, with woods on one side, and a small waterfall on the other. A river coursed through a path of whetstone, which allowed one to step from one side to the other.

Leaves bristled as shadows approached. Ryan raised his guns, as multiple figures seemed to surround him; with the darkness, he couldn’t see clearly.

And yet… as a sweet, delicious perfume filled the air, the courier couldn’t help but relax. The tension in his body seemed to vanish, as an invisible voice told him to relax.

Slowly, a figure emerged from the bushes; she was the most beautiful sight the courier had seen in his entire life, in all his runs combined. A gorgeous redhead with a curvaceous body, and perfect skin; even her few freckles only enhanced her appeal. Her lips were red as blood, her eyes shining emeralds. Her red jacket seemed like a forbidden frontier, the promise of untold pleasure to whoever could get past it.

When he saw her, Ryan immediately wanted to drop everything, slam her against a tree, and give her the Full Romano Special.

“Hey,” the Vamp said with a warm, lovely smile, revealing her empty hands. Even her voice aroused the courier. “It’s okay. You’re safe. My poor boy, you must have been so scared, all alone in the woods.”

“Are you an angel?” By now, Ryan’s pop culture-infested subconscious was in full control of his body. “They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe.”

“I can be your angel if you want,” the redhead said, putting a hand on her jacket’s zipper. “Just throw your weapons away, and… I’ll show you heaven.”

Who was Jasmine again? This was the perfect waifu. The romance endgame, the true ending.

But as Ryan was about to turn this horror movie into a porno, he realized one problem with this scenario.

“Gingers can’t go to heaven,” he said, “they don’t have souls.”

“What?”

And then he shot her.

The bullet impacted the killer’s chest and tossed her back against a tree, but didn’t shed blood. Oh, come on, what kind of supervillain wore a bulletproof vest nowadays? Ryan knew he should have aimed for the head!

shot me!” Vamp protested in shock.

and fired at will like a maniac. “I know your game, succubus! Each of your freckles is a

this always happened when he tried to blow off stress! “Richie, get your ass over here!” she shouted. “How

have taken as many mind-altering substances as I did, eventually you build a tolerance,” Ryan replied, as he reloaded his guns. “Frankly, I’ve

her cover, “a kiss and your vitals will fail

too familiar inhuman faces emerged from the woods to surround Ryan from all sides. “Dear guest.” Five vicious

illusions could harm him like

and moved around bushes like a stalking lion, her hands now letting out some kind of colored smoke. Lethal pheromones, most

stopped time, the Monaco illusions vanishing instantly. However, unlike Bloodstream’s

best you’ve got, Pajamas?” he taunted Night Terror, as he slaughtered his way through the clowns. “I

and dead clowns, a new smell filled the air. One that filled him

“Riri.”

around, and faced

the waterfall, wearing clothes drenched

intellectually, he knew this was all in

cried crimson tears while letting out an ear-piercing shriek, and charged at the courier with a

before he could aim. She used one arm to push him against a tree, and the other to try and stab him with a knife. The courier had to drop one of his guns to catch her hand and keep the blade away; he then attempted to

voice didn’t belong to Len, but Ryan himself. “You’re still in

for an instant. Night Terror’s blade instantly hit Ryan’s thigh, though the

while the scary special effect failure kept him pinned to a tree, Vamp emerged from her hiding spot. “You should have taken the easy way out, jackass,” she told Ryan as her pheromone-charged hand moved towards his neck. “At least I would have

Ryan replied with a scowl of pain,

expected the illusion to vanish, but instead, it merely transformed. From a nightmarish, twisted version

“There you are.”

paralyzed Night Terror away,

the whetstones, nearly falling into the waterfall nearby. One hand on his thigh wound, Ryan raised

her scent filling Ryan with a mix of desire and regret. “Don’t

do everything Ryan wanted; he just had to drop his gun, and take her now. “What’s your name?” the courier asked, pointing his gun at

Ricci!” She forced herself to smile. “Yes, lower that

shot the ginger menace in the head before she

dragged the assassins’ bodies down the waterfall. “My purity is my

his flesh. He couldn’t remove it without risking bleeding

in the distance, south of his location. It seemed Atom Cat

rose in intensity. His heart felt

“I’m impressed.”

Pluto.

locate her. Was she hiding behind a tree? Down the waterfall? No, the voice was a distant

backup.” Pluto fell silent for a brief instant, while Ryan tried to locate her by sound. “You are Quicksave, are you not? My niece asked us

Ryan replied with a scowl. He couldn’t hear right with that heartbeat drum in

replied with a tone that made Ryan wonder if she was joking.

life, or sheer masochism, but the courier couldn’t help but be a relentless flirt. “Can’t we solve our differences the noble way, with an arranged marriage? I

transparent. Separating so I could only focus on one of you only. But Sparrow

cats eat sparrows?” Ryan shook his head, on edge. No calamity had befallen him so far because Pluto wanted an audience, but he had no idea what would happen once she fully unleashed her power at this distance. “You don’t know anything about

one, far, far beyond my reach. A universe that my curse cannot touch.” Her voice was getting closer. “You’re not

it meant that while Pluto could kill Ryan now and track him in future loops, she

the

you can recover,” the Underboss said with sharp insight. “Stay out of this, Quicksave. My brother wants his godson dead

you’re too poor to afford my

“Then die.”

full strength of her curse

him, they cut through

and toss his gun away, just

a respite from my curse by breaking the flow of causality, but at this distance, you

a clever retort, only for something to catch him from behind. A noose-shaped branch from a tree grabbed his neck and raised him above the ground, tightening its hold. At

Pluto’s curse outright warped reality. It caused the world itself

in the distance. Pluto had decided to speed his demise

freezing time, Ryan managed to break the branch holding him prisoner, removed Night Terror’s knife, and tossed it aside before it could worm its way to his vitals. As he moved,

the plushie? No, the risk was too great. If Pluto’s power could affect it, then it might

his skull against a large stone. His movements slowed

Beep.

sound coming from

The A-bomb!

shit, shit! Pluto’s power prioritized killing

Ryan froze time, dragged the device out of his clothes, and hastily disabled

he

beneath his feet, dragging him into the river and down the small waterfall. Ryan managed to protect his head with his arms before he hit