The Perfect Run

From Friday the 13th to Candyman, Ryan had seen all the slasher movies.

He had acted in a few too, either as the relentless terminator during his brief Punisher phase, or as the lonely target pursued by malevolent Psychos. He still looked back fondly on that run where he escaped the Centipede with only his boxers on. Good times.

So the current situation was nothing extraordinary. Night Terror was just Freddy Krueger, except he could attack people while they were awake. Pluto was Death from Final Destination. The Vamp was a trap; literal death by sex. As for Sparrow… she didn’t fit any box.

Perhaps she would be the final girl? The assassin was a bit old for the role, but Ryan was nothing if not open-minded.

Anyway, he and Atom Cat had managed to escape through the woods, eventually moving far enough that Sparrow could no longer target them with lasers. The duo followed a hiking path down a wooded valley, surrounded by lush green ferns, verdant trees, orchids, and cascading water. Ryan recognized the area as the Valle Delle Ferriere, a natural reserve pre-war.

Unfortunately, the courier sensed Pluto’s power active on his person. His heartbeat raced unnaturally, his fingers twitched with tension, and he almost tripped on a rock at one point. They had put distance between the Augusti Underboss and themselves, but she wouldn’t relent.

“If we continue south, we should reach the rendezvous point with Shortie.” Ryan checked his phone, trying to contact the Soviet Supreme without avail. “Something is jamming my cell phone.”

“Probably Vulcan’s tech,” Atom Cat said. “Cut your phone off, they might be able to track it down.”

Good point, and it would spare Ryan more messages from Lucky Girl. “How far do you think Night Pajama’s range extends?”

“I don’t know,” Atom Cat admitted, checking Ryan’s neck. Red marks marred his skin where the Bloodstream hallucination had choked him. “Are you okay? I admit I was quite scared when I saw you freak out like a man possessed.”

Aww, he cared! Though after putting Ryan through such a scare, Night Pajama would suffer the Luigi treatment. “Continue south, I will go east.”

“You want us to split?”

That was a big no-no in slasher movies, but the courier was no helpless teenager. “Cruella can only target one person at once, and she’s focusing on me. I will lead her into a trap. If you escape, we’ve won.”

Also, Ryan couldn’t risk having the Killer Seven track them to the rendezvous point. Risking his own life was one thing, endangering Len’s was another.

Felix immediately protested, “I’m not leaving you to die, Ryan.”

“Trust me, Kitten,” the courier said, while grabbing a revolver in each hand. He would have taken a dose of Rampage too, if he didn’t worry Pluto’s power might worsen the side-effects. “I do better without teams.”

“But—”

“Do I have to shoot you too?”

The Kitten finally understood it was time to let the adults do their thing. “Okay,” Felix said, though he clearly didn’t like it. “Okay, I will trust you. But don’t you dare die for me.”

“God forbid, your sister would nag me in the afterlife if I did. Now go.”

With one last glance, Atom Kitten followed the hiking trail south, while the courier moved east.

Ryan strolled through the woods, even as he sensed Pluto’s invisible pressure growing stronger. He passed before the mossy ruins of houses and mills, and eventually followed a path following a tumbling river. He soon reached a wide area, with woods on one side, and a small waterfall on the other. A river coursed through a path of whetstone, which allowed one to step from one side to the other.

Leaves bristled as shadows approached. Ryan raised his guns, as multiple figures seemed to surround him; with the darkness, he couldn’t see clearly.

And yet… as a sweet, delicious perfume filled the air, the courier couldn’t help but relax. The tension in his body seemed to vanish, as an invisible voice told him to relax.

Slowly, a figure emerged from the bushes; she was the most beautiful sight the courier had seen in his entire life, in all his runs combined. A gorgeous redhead with a curvaceous body, and perfect skin; even her few freckles only enhanced her appeal. Her lips were red as blood, her eyes shining emeralds. Her red jacket seemed like a forbidden frontier, the promise of untold pleasure to whoever could get past it.

When he saw her, Ryan immediately wanted to drop everything, slam her against a tree, and give her the Full Romano Special.

“Hey,” the Vamp said with a warm, lovely smile, revealing her empty hands. Even her voice aroused the courier. “It’s okay. You’re safe. My poor boy, you must have been so scared, all alone in the woods.”

“Are you an angel?” By now, Ryan’s pop culture-infested subconscious was in full control of his body. “They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe.”

“I can be your angel if you want,” the redhead said, putting a hand on her jacket’s zipper. “Just throw your weapons away, and… I’ll show you heaven.”

Who was Jasmine again? This was the perfect waifu. The romance endgame, the true ending.

But as Ryan was about to turn this horror movie into a porno, he realized one problem with this scenario.

“Gingers can’t go to heaven,” he said, “they don’t have souls.”

“What?”

And then he shot her.

The bullet impacted the killer’s chest and tossed her back against a tree, but didn’t shed blood. Oh, come on, what kind of supervillain wore a bulletproof vest nowadays? Ryan knew he should have aimed for the head!

me!” Vamp protested in

fired at will like a maniac. “I know

before fleeing behind a tree to avoid getting shot. Damn, this always happened when he tried to blow off stress! “Richie, get your ass over here!” she shouted. “How can

as he reloaded his guns. “Frankly,

behind her cover, “a kiss and your vitals will

the woods to surround Ryan from all sides. “Dear guest.” Five vicious clowns, each armed with napkins and silver cutlery. “The Monte-Carlo is

as it collapsed into a white substance. These illusions could harm him like the real ones, but they died like the originals too. They only had as much power as his mind gave

Vamp left her hiding spot and moved around bushes like a stalking

Monaco illusions vanishing instantly. However, unlike Bloodstream’s ghost before, when time resumed,

Pajamas?” he taunted Night Terror, as he slaughtered his way through the

clowns, a new smell filled the air. One that filled him with anxiety and dread. The stench of

“Riri.”

turned around, and

stood on the whetstone near the waterfall, wearing clothes

Ryan asked, though intellectually, he knew this was all in

her mouth, only to vomit blood. She cried crimson tears while letting out an ear-piercing shriek, and charged

by the sight, that the illusion had closed the gap before he could aim. She used one arm to push him against a tree, and the other to try and stab him with a knife. The courier had to drop one of his guns to catch her hand and keep the blade away; he then attempted to aim with his remaining gun, even

never left Monaco.” The illusion’s voice didn’t belong to Len, but Ryan himself. “You’re still in that

it made him lose focus for an instant. Night Terror’s

kept him pinned to a tree, Vamp emerged from her hiding spot. “You should have taken the easy way out, jackass,” she told Ryan as her pheromone-charged hand moved towards his neck. “At least

with a scowl of

From a nightmarish, twisted version of Len, to a masked man in a full black

“There you are.”

Night Terror away, and

resumed, the Blue Genome’s corpse crashed against a surprised Vamp and caused her to trip on the whetstones, nearly falling into the waterfall nearby. One hand on his thigh wound, Ryan

her hands in surrender, her scent filling Ryan with a mix of desire and regret. “Don’t kill

had to drop his gun, and take her now. “What’s your name?” the courier asked, pointing his gun at Night Terror’s remains. “His and yours?

forced herself to smile. “Yes, lower

in the head

quipped, as the waters dragged the assassins’ bodies down the waterfall.

his flesh. He couldn’t remove it

the distance, south of his location. It seemed Atom

his heartbeat rose in intensity. His heart felt as if it would burst in his chest, and

“I’m impressed.”

Pluto.

locate her. Was she hiding behind a tree? Down the waterfall? No, the

while Ryan tried to locate her by sound. “You are Quicksave, are you not? My niece

Ryan replied with a scowl. He couldn’t hear right with that heartbeat drum in his head! “You know, I’ve

widowed,” she replied with a tone that made Ryan

in his life, or sheer masochism, but the courier couldn’t help but be a relentless flirt. “Can’t we solve our differences the noble way, with an arranged

will pass,” Pluto replied, all business. “Your thought process is painfully transparent. Separating so I could only focus on one of you only. But Sparrow is giving chase to the

know cats eat sparrows?” Ryan shook his head, on edge. No calamity had befallen him so far because Pluto wanted an audience, but

from afar, and it seems strange. As if connected to a second one, far, far beyond my reach. A universe that my curse cannot touch.” Her voice was getting closer. “You’re not really here, are you? You’re just a projection. Even if my calamities kill you, you will pop

two of me.” At least it meant that while Pluto could kill Ryan now and track him in future loops, she

confirm the same with Cancel, that would

cost to pay, even if you can recover,” the Underboss said with sharp insight. “Stay out of this, Quicksave.

you’re too poor to

“Then die.”

of her curse at

direction, and before Ryan knew what hit him, they cut through his clothes and skin like razors.

hurriedly froze time to dodge the projectiles and toss his gun away, just before

Five? Maybe ten? You can gain a respite from my curse by breaking the flow of causality, but at this

and raised him above the ground, tightening its hold. At the same time, Night Terror’s knife moved on its

such a short distance, Pluto’s curse outright warped reality.

gunshot in the distance. Pluto had decided to speed

Night Terror’s knife, and tossed it aside before it could worm its way to his vitals. As he moved, he noticed Pluto’s bullet frozen in midair; its trajectory had clearly deviated

the risk was too great. If Pluto’s power could affect it,

tripped and broke his skull against

Beep.

familiar sound coming from

The A-bomb!

shit, shit! Pluto’s power prioritized

choice, Ryan froze time, dragged the device out of his clothes, and hastily disabled it. Thankfully, the temporal anomaly canceled the calamitous power

he

head with his arms before he hit a large stone below, but part of