The Perfect Run

From Friday the 13th to Candyman, Ryan had seen all the slasher movies.

He had acted in a few too, either as the relentless terminator during his brief Punisher phase, or as the lonely target pursued by malevolent Psychos. He still looked back fondly on that run where he escaped the Centipede with only his boxers on. Good times.

So the current situation was nothing extraordinary. Night Terror was just Freddy Krueger, except he could attack people while they were awake. Pluto was Death from Final Destination. The Vamp was a trap; literal death by sex. As for Sparrow… she didn’t fit any box.

Perhaps she would be the final girl? The assassin was a bit old for the role, but Ryan was nothing if not open-minded.

Anyway, he and Atom Cat had managed to escape through the woods, eventually moving far enough that Sparrow could no longer target them with lasers. The duo followed a hiking path down a wooded valley, surrounded by lush green ferns, verdant trees, orchids, and cascading water. Ryan recognized the area as the Valle Delle Ferriere, a natural reserve pre-war.

Unfortunately, the courier sensed Pluto’s power active on his person. His heartbeat raced unnaturally, his fingers twitched with tension, and he almost tripped on a rock at one point. They had put distance between the Augusti Underboss and themselves, but she wouldn’t relent.

“If we continue south, we should reach the rendezvous point with Shortie.” Ryan checked his phone, trying to contact the Soviet Supreme without avail. “Something is jamming my cell phone.”

“Probably Vulcan’s tech,” Atom Cat said. “Cut your phone off, they might be able to track it down.”

Good point, and it would spare Ryan more messages from Lucky Girl. “How far do you think Night Pajama’s range extends?”

“I don’t know,” Atom Cat admitted, checking Ryan’s neck. Red marks marred his skin where the Bloodstream hallucination had choked him. “Are you okay? I admit I was quite scared when I saw you freak out like a man possessed.”

Aww, he cared! Though after putting Ryan through such a scare, Night Pajama would suffer the Luigi treatment. “Continue south, I will go east.”

“You want us to split?”

That was a big no-no in slasher movies, but the courier was no helpless teenager. “Cruella can only target one person at once, and she’s focusing on me. I will lead her into a trap. If you escape, we’ve won.”

Also, Ryan couldn’t risk having the Killer Seven track them to the rendezvous point. Risking his own life was one thing, endangering Len’s was another.

Felix immediately protested, “I’m not leaving you to die, Ryan.”

“Trust me, Kitten,” the courier said, while grabbing a revolver in each hand. He would have taken a dose of Rampage too, if he didn’t worry Pluto’s power might worsen the side-effects. “I do better without teams.”

“But—”

“Do I have to shoot you too?”

The Kitten finally understood it was time to let the adults do their thing. “Okay,” Felix said, though he clearly didn’t like it. “Okay, I will trust you. But don’t you dare die for me.”

“God forbid, your sister would nag me in the afterlife if I did. Now go.”

With one last glance, Atom Kitten followed the hiking trail south, while the courier moved east.

Ryan strolled through the woods, even as he sensed Pluto’s invisible pressure growing stronger. He passed before the mossy ruins of houses and mills, and eventually followed a path following a tumbling river. He soon reached a wide area, with woods on one side, and a small waterfall on the other. A river coursed through a path of whetstone, which allowed one to step from one side to the other.

Leaves bristled as shadows approached. Ryan raised his guns, as multiple figures seemed to surround him; with the darkness, he couldn’t see clearly.

And yet… as a sweet, delicious perfume filled the air, the courier couldn’t help but relax. The tension in his body seemed to vanish, as an invisible voice told him to relax.

Slowly, a figure emerged from the bushes; she was the most beautiful sight the courier had seen in his entire life, in all his runs combined. A gorgeous redhead with a curvaceous body, and perfect skin; even her few freckles only enhanced her appeal. Her lips were red as blood, her eyes shining emeralds. Her red jacket seemed like a forbidden frontier, the promise of untold pleasure to whoever could get past it.

When he saw her, Ryan immediately wanted to drop everything, slam her against a tree, and give her the Full Romano Special.

“Hey,” the Vamp said with a warm, lovely smile, revealing her empty hands. Even her voice aroused the courier. “It’s okay. You’re safe. My poor boy, you must have been so scared, all alone in the woods.”

“Are you an angel?” By now, Ryan’s pop culture-infested subconscious was in full control of his body. “They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe.”

“I can be your angel if you want,” the redhead said, putting a hand on her jacket’s zipper. “Just throw your weapons away, and… I’ll show you heaven.”

Who was Jasmine again? This was the perfect waifu. The romance endgame, the true ending.

But as Ryan was about to turn this horror movie into a porno, he realized one problem with this scenario.

“Gingers can’t go to heaven,” he said, “they don’t have souls.”

“What?”

And then he shot her.

The bullet impacted the killer’s chest and tossed her back against a tree, but didn’t shed blood. Oh, come on, what kind of supervillain wore a bulletproof vest nowadays? Ryan knew he should have aimed for the head!

me!” Vamp protested

Ryan raised his guns and fired at will like a maniac. “I know your game, succubus! Each

at Ryan as if he were mad, before fleeing behind a tree to avoid getting shot. Damn, this always happened when he tried to blow off stress! “Richie, get your ass over here!”

as many mind-altering substances as I did, eventually you build a tolerance,” Ryan replied, as he reloaded his guns. “Frankly, I’ve tried

behind her

she said that, all too familiar inhuman faces emerged from the woods to surround Ryan from all sides. “Dear guest.” Five vicious clowns, each armed with napkins and

substance. These illusions could harm him like the real ones, but they died like the originals too. They only had as much power as

he engaged the clowns, Vamp left her hiding spot and moved around bushes like a stalking lion, her hands now letting out

briefly stopped time, the Monaco illusions vanishing instantly. However, unlike Bloodstream’s ghost before, when time resumed, the

best you’ve got, Pajamas?” he taunted Night Terror, as he slaughtered his way through the clowns. “I killed thousands of them! I even ate

smell filled the air. One that filled him with anxiety and dread. The stench of

“Riri.”

turned around, and

the whetstone near the waterfall, wearing

though intellectually, he knew this was all in his

opened her mouth, only to vomit blood. She cried crimson tears while letting out an

against a tree, and the other to try and stab him with a knife. The courier had to drop one of his guns to catch her hand and keep the blade away; he then attempted to aim with his remaining gun, even

Monaco.” The illusion’s voice didn’t belong to Len, but Ryan himself. “You’re

could have said to the time-traveler, and it made him lose focus for an instant. Night Terror’s blade instantly hit Ryan’s thigh, though the courier managed to deviate the attack away from

her hiding spot. “You should have taken the easy way out, jackass,” she told

next time,” Ryan replied with a

transformed. From a nightmarish, twisted version

“There you are.”

Terror away, and shot

against a surprised Vamp and caused her to trip on the whetstones, nearly falling into the waterfall nearby. One hand on his

Vamp pleaded while raising her hands in surrender, her scent filling Ryan with a

body screamed it at him. She would do everything Ryan wanted; he just had to drop his gun, and take her now. “What’s your name?” the courier asked, pointing his gun at Night Terror’s remains. “His

to smile. “Yes, lower that gun, and

ginger menace in the head before

marriage,” he quipped, as the waters dragged the

He couldn’t remove it without risking bleeding out, even with his enhanced physiology. At least, not until he found a safe

this. The courier heard an explosion in the distance, south of his location. It seemed Atom Cat

as his heartbeat rose in intensity. His heart felt as if it would burst in his chest, and

“I’m impressed.”

Pluto.

but couldn’t locate her. Was she hiding behind a tree? Down the waterfall? No, the voice was a distant

Ryan tried to locate her by sound. “You are Quicksave, are you not? My niece asked us that no harm befall

replied with a scowl. He couldn’t hear right with that heartbeat drum in his head! “You know, I’ve been meaning to ask,

she replied with a tone that made Ryan wonder

Jasmine’s absence in his life, or sheer masochism, but the courier couldn’t help but be a relentless flirt. “Can’t we solve our differences the noble way, with an arranged marriage? I

focus on one of you only. But Sparrow is giving chase to the traitor

shook his head, on edge. No calamity had befallen him so far because Pluto wanted an audience, but he had no idea what would happen once she fully unleashed

that my curse cannot touch.” Her voice was getting closer. “You’re not really here, are

kill Ryan now and track

only he could confirm the

a cost to pay, even if you can recover,” the Underboss said with sharp insight. “Stay out of this, Quicksave. My brother wants his godson dead for his treachery. He doesn’t

poor to afford my

“Then die.”

her curse

wind blew through the trees. Leaves flew in his direction, and before Ryan knew what hit him, they cut through his

time to dodge the projectiles and toss his gun away, just before the gunpowder inside

your power works,” he heard Pluto taunting him as time resumed. “You freeze time for a few seconds. Five? Maybe ten? You can gain a respite from my curse by breaking the flow of causality, but at this distance, you can’t escape everything. At some point, you will slip up. Eventually, you will

for something to catch him from behind. A noose-shaped branch from a tree grabbed his neck and raised him above the ground, tightening its hold.

short distance, Pluto’s curse outright warped reality. It caused the world itself to want Ryan

gunshot in the distance. Pluto

and tossed it aside before it could worm its way to his vitals. As he

too great. If Pluto’s power could affect it, then

he almost tripped and broke his skull against a large stone. His movements slowed down, his heart beating so fast his enhanced body couldn’t keep up with

Beep.

familiar sound coming from

The A-bomb!

prioritized killing

hastily disabled it.

time resumed, he found himself without

down the small waterfall. Ryan managed to protect his head with his arms before he hit a large stone below, but part of the natural structure collapsed behind him. A pile of rubble buried him