The Perfect Run

It was May 10th. Psyshock would attack the orphanage any minute now, and a rabbit had hanged himself in the kitchen.

“Come on…” Ryan muttered to himself in consternation. The world-destroyer had used a rope rather than warm intestines, but it had scared Little Sarah to death all the same. “You know it won’t work, right? I’ve tried.”

The plushie played dead.

The courier’s eyes wandered to the walls, covered in gunshots; an empty Beretta awaited on the kitchen’s table, alongside knives, Len’s antidepressants, and alcohol. Little Sarah had come to Ryan crying upon finding the rabbit in this state, and the time-traveler couldn’t blame her.

That wasn’t the first complaint he had received either. Another child had found the plushie in the disaffected shower room with a bucket of water, a bloody pentagram, and a jumper cable; though thankfully it didn’t steal that from Ryan’s car.

Somehow the courier found the plushie’s behavior even creepier than usual.

“What are you trying to achieve?” Ryan asked carefully, unsure how that pattern would progress. The beast no longer reproduced in the presence of children but no longer seemed to care about them either, which worried the courier.

An orphan walked into the kitchen, to find Ryan talking to a hanged rabbit. He looked at the time-traveler and then at the plushie, his face as blank as a Dynamis infomercial.

“It makes sense in context,” Ryan said.

The child walked away wordlessly.

Ryan looked back at the plushie’s big blue eyes, trying to figure out what happened. He remembered what his Elixir had told him, when he briefly entered the Black World.

The plushie didn’t understand death, so it killed others in an attempt to figure it out; or perhaps because it found it funny. But its inability to slay Lightning Butt had forced the monster to reevaluate its approach. It had decided to understand death by experiencing it.

The plushie was having a suicidal phase.

How long would it last? Ryan’s own lasted a while, and involved at least two plane crashes, one yacht, lasers, sharks, piranhas—and as it turned out, Spy movies had lied to him—giraffes, drug-fueled orgies, and one meteorite.

The courier’s hand instinctively moved to the pocket where he kept his A-bomb, and Ryan sighed in relief upon finding it safely in its place.

And then the plushie’s ears rose up in interest.

“No,” Ryan said, shielding his bomb like a maiden’s virginity. “No, don’t you dare.”

The plushie’s head turned to look at Ryan, glancing at his pocket.

In the end, the courier left the plushie hanging from the ceiling and wisely slithered out of the kitchen. He felt the dreadful creature’s gaze on his back even when he exited the room.

If only the courier could pull the off switch. The realization this terrible monster had been pretending it worked all along had crushed all of Ryan’s hope of containing it. He thought of all the time he put the plushie on a shelf, thinking himself safe. Even when he and Jasmine—

…

Oh gods, it had been watching all along.

Ryan exited the orphanage through the front door on this terrible realization, his heart filled with dread and horror. Happy memories had suddenly turned dark and grim. “Riri,” Len said, awaiting him outside in full power armor. “I… I have something for you.”

She tossed him a handheld version of her water rifle, which Ryan gladly accepted. The Meta-Gang’s minibus had reached the courtyard.

The courier didn’t shoot at it on sight this time around, and instead waited for its passengers to step out. Mongrel, more beast than man; Mosquito, utterly anemic without the special blood juice which Ryan provided him in the last loop; and Psyshock, whose mere presence infuriated the time-traveler.

“Hey, Psypsy,” Ryan ‘greeted’ the Meta-Gang’s members, while Len’s fingers tensed on her rifle’s trigger. “I know you won’t care, but the kids here are underage. They’re way too old for you.”

“Little Cesare,” Psyshock replied, Mosquito cracking his knuckles and Mongrel letting out a bestial hiss. “And is that Little Len too? I could recognize her work anywhere. Is your father joining us from beyond the grave too?”

Len remained as silent as a grave, and Ryan couldn’t help but flinch. He already heard Psyshock say those exact words before, but they hit much harder now.

The telepath didn’t remember the previous loop, and since he hadn’t adjusted his behavior either, then Big Fat Adam was certainly alive again. Ryan would have preferred both of them buried for good, but it meant he could predict their behavior.

“Not yet,” Ryan replied, raising his water rifle. “I’m afraid this place is invitation-only. If you take another step, I will have to show you the door, face first.”

Psyshock’s tone turned vicious. “You were not so brave during our last—”

Ryan activated his power, shot both Mosquito and Mongrel with the water rifle in the frozen time, tossed his weapon, and grabbed a Bliss inhaler hidden beneath his trenchcoat.

“Encoun—” Psypsy didn’t finish his sentence, as Ryan applied the inhaler to his face and pumped his brain full of drugs. From the telepath’s point of view, the courier appeared to have teleported in front of him. Giant water bubbles had captured his allies, quickly drowning them into unconsciousness.

Tentacles wriggled free out of Psyshock’s clothes, revealing his true monstrous self, but the drug acted quicker. The telepath’s limbs trashed around like beheaded snakes while he collapsed to the ground, his brain overwhelmed by Bliss. Soon Psyshock went limp, liquid dripping from his inhuman skull.

The whole conflict had lasted half a minute.

“I prefer to make my fights fun and relaxing, like smelling flowers in a park, but you’re an exception,” Ryan said before kicking the helpless Psyshock. “You really overstayed your welcome.”

He was saving himself for Wardrobe anyway.

“That was quick,” a new voice said. Ryan didn’t even turn around, as Shroud appeared at his side. “I see you rehearsed.”

“About that, Shortie, you modified the oxygen supply as I asked?” Ryan pointed a finger at Mosquito, who struggled to stay conscious in the water prison. “Bugs and water don’t mesh well.”

“I… yes, I did. He shouldn’t get brain damage.” Len glanced at Shroud, leaving the next part of her sentence unsaid: this time.

The next member of Quicksave’s Avengers arrived while driving a fearsome bicycle, honking to intimidate his foes. The Monster of the East had come to lay waste to Psychos and evildoers alike, to bathe his fur in their blood.

he abruptly stopped his vehicle near the

my young Pandawan,” Ryan replied, patting the manbear on the

so we’ll eat before defeating bad

fist to the heavens. “We

“I-I understand, Sifu!”

glancing at the Panda with

boasted on his apprentice’s behalf. “I thought he would be a

have much work experience,

shrug. “It’s not skills that make a hero, it’s the heart. You can pick up the first through time

had half-expected the silicanetic to look down on the Panda like Enrique did, and was pleasantly surprised. Then again, the Carnival had a tremendously high rate of turnover, so they couldn’t afford to turn down volunteers. The mere idea of joining this illustrious group of heroes invigorated the Panda, the

we waiting

was bound to backfire. At this point, Felix was too scornful of his family to stand them. “Afterwards, drug bust, and we haul everyone we catch

Shroud said while glancing at the captured

them down?” The Panda asked, suddenly a

book,” Ryan reassured his young Pandawan. “By

Psychos?” Shroud asked with heavy sarcasm. “They have unique powers.

around, and he had a solution for the rest.

Looking Glass immediately caught on and glanced at Shortie. “Your underwater

with a nod. “They’re, they’re self-sustaining,

turn into fish, the prisoners won’t swim far before the pressure crushes them,” Ryan

the Ogre?”

be extradited to Monaco.” With luck, the staff would appropriately eat him and call

guessed Ryan had a plan to change that, though he couldn’t tell just

Len said. “But… well,

invisible much to the Panda’s surprise, as the

the back. The former wore her Queen Crimson costume, without the helmet but with a new,

in fashionable costumes restored Ryan’s faith

greeted his favorite ladies as they exited the car, before waving

nice to meet you!” the budding sociopath replied with the same cheery tone as the courier. “So, whom do I kill

before greeting everyone

couldn’t see her face beneath her power armor’s helmet, she probably examined Livia with mistrust. Shroud’s disappearance didn’t help matters; considering he hadn’t

the Panda?” Timmy hyperventilated at people

you,” Fortuna admitted, though she couldn’t resist a black and white bear’s charm. “I looove pandas though, they’re so fluffy. I had a

very cuddly in his natural form too,” the manbear replied with a friendly nod. “His fur is

Cancel complained as she examined Psyshock. “I prefer it when they see

mean…” The Panda gulped, suddenly a

only when I kill meanies that I build a real human connection with them.

windows cracking at the edge, though it was barely

of him is the only way to save his

about them. The brainjacker and his boss were the strongest arguments for the death penalty the courier had ever seen, and would receive

execute him,” Livia ordered

waist. “You’re sure you don’t need more backup? The neighborhood

Livia replied with a smile, before glancing at Ryan. “As will this

left my armor in storage,

“Let’s recover it then.”

picked up her helmet from the car’s chest. The seer waited for the hitman to leave, to turn and look at an empty

dropped his invisibility to Fortuna’s surprise, and took his anger

about this plan,” Livia replied with a cold frown. “And he will

stated. “I do not

glass telekinetic flinching upon realizing that she knew his secret identity. “But we all have to make compromises for the

Fortuna scowled. “Livy, you like someone more

Livia reassured the oblivious Fortuna by warmly taking her hand into her own. “Of course not,” she said, “you are more than a friend to me. You

like crap,” the blonde replied angrily. “I swear, next time I see

would you cooperate with us

you,” Livia answered. “To protect this

Panda asked,

Livy, what are we here for?” Fortuna asked her best friend. “I haven’t mentioned this secret mission to anyone else, not even Narcinia, but

scorn. “You came all the

Livy is my dearest friend,” she replied confidently. “If a friend needs help, you give it no

made Shroud shut up, and he seemed to look at Fortuna with a brand new perspective. Ryan wondered if he was starting to see the good qualities in Lucky Girl, just as the courier did in a previous loop. If only she wasn’t so vain, the

Livia explained. “They intend to use it to destroy New Rome, and

she said. The Panda looked at Ryan for confirmation, while Fortuna glanced at Livia as if she were joking.

am not joking Fortuna,” Livia replied. “That is why the Meta-Gang thought

panicking. “Wait, why just the

weapons?” Shroud asked, less

replied.

said calmly. “That technology will cause harm no matter who gets it. It has to

of her head. “You’re

a temporary alliance until the Mechron base’s threat is dealt with,” he stated. “We agree to destroy it together, and then it’s business as

will discuss what you came to New Rome for, and see if we can reach a

Thankfully, though he was ruthless when the situation called for it, Looking Glass would prefer something else than total war. “Everything rests on this mission,”

who can see the future, so I won’t tell a tale.” Fortuna grinned ear

at Len and the Panda, who had remained silent so

the Panda trained for, all his life.” Instead of being crushed by the weight of the situation, the manbear had risen to the occasion. “This is the

to take the children,” Len said, shaking her head. “They have to