The Perfect Run

It was May 10th. Psyshock would attack the orphanage any minute now, and a rabbit had hanged himself in the kitchen.

“Come on…” Ryan muttered to himself in consternation. The world-destroyer had used a rope rather than warm intestines, but it had scared Little Sarah to death all the same. “You know it won’t work, right? I’ve tried.”

The plushie played dead.

The courier’s eyes wandered to the walls, covered in gunshots; an empty Beretta awaited on the kitchen’s table, alongside knives, Len’s antidepressants, and alcohol. Little Sarah had come to Ryan crying upon finding the rabbit in this state, and the time-traveler couldn’t blame her.

That wasn’t the first complaint he had received either. Another child had found the plushie in the disaffected shower room with a bucket of water, a bloody pentagram, and a jumper cable; though thankfully it didn’t steal that from Ryan’s car.

Somehow the courier found the plushie’s behavior even creepier than usual.

“What are you trying to achieve?” Ryan asked carefully, unsure how that pattern would progress. The beast no longer reproduced in the presence of children but no longer seemed to care about them either, which worried the courier.

An orphan walked into the kitchen, to find Ryan talking to a hanged rabbit. He looked at the time-traveler and then at the plushie, his face as blank as a Dynamis infomercial.

“It makes sense in context,” Ryan said.

The child walked away wordlessly.

Ryan looked back at the plushie’s big blue eyes, trying to figure out what happened. He remembered what his Elixir had told him, when he briefly entered the Black World.

The plushie didn’t understand death, so it killed others in an attempt to figure it out; or perhaps because it found it funny. But its inability to slay Lightning Butt had forced the monster to reevaluate its approach. It had decided to understand death by experiencing it.

The plushie was having a suicidal phase.

How long would it last? Ryan’s own lasted a while, and involved at least two plane crashes, one yacht, lasers, sharks, piranhas—and as it turned out, Spy movies had lied to him—giraffes, drug-fueled orgies, and one meteorite.

The courier’s hand instinctively moved to the pocket where he kept his A-bomb, and Ryan sighed in relief upon finding it safely in its place.

And then the plushie’s ears rose up in interest.

“No,” Ryan said, shielding his bomb like a maiden’s virginity. “No, don’t you dare.”

The plushie’s head turned to look at Ryan, glancing at his pocket.

In the end, the courier left the plushie hanging from the ceiling and wisely slithered out of the kitchen. He felt the dreadful creature’s gaze on his back even when he exited the room.

If only the courier could pull the off switch. The realization this terrible monster had been pretending it worked all along had crushed all of Ryan’s hope of containing it. He thought of all the time he put the plushie on a shelf, thinking himself safe. Even when he and Jasmine—

…

Oh gods, it had been watching all along.

Ryan exited the orphanage through the front door on this terrible realization, his heart filled with dread and horror. Happy memories had suddenly turned dark and grim. “Riri,” Len said, awaiting him outside in full power armor. “I… I have something for you.”

She tossed him a handheld version of her water rifle, which Ryan gladly accepted. The Meta-Gang’s minibus had reached the courtyard.

The courier didn’t shoot at it on sight this time around, and instead waited for its passengers to step out. Mongrel, more beast than man; Mosquito, utterly anemic without the special blood juice which Ryan provided him in the last loop; and Psyshock, whose mere presence infuriated the time-traveler.

“Hey, Psypsy,” Ryan ‘greeted’ the Meta-Gang’s members, while Len’s fingers tensed on her rifle’s trigger. “I know you won’t care, but the kids here are underage. They’re way too old for you.”

“Little Cesare,” Psyshock replied, Mosquito cracking his knuckles and Mongrel letting out a bestial hiss. “And is that Little Len too? I could recognize her work anywhere. Is your father joining us from beyond the grave too?”

Len remained as silent as a grave, and Ryan couldn’t help but flinch. He already heard Psyshock say those exact words before, but they hit much harder now.

The telepath didn’t remember the previous loop, and since he hadn’t adjusted his behavior either, then Big Fat Adam was certainly alive again. Ryan would have preferred both of them buried for good, but it meant he could predict their behavior.

“Not yet,” Ryan replied, raising his water rifle. “I’m afraid this place is invitation-only. If you take another step, I will have to show you the door, face first.”

Psyshock’s tone turned vicious. “You were not so brave during our last—”

Ryan activated his power, shot both Mosquito and Mongrel with the water rifle in the frozen time, tossed his weapon, and grabbed a Bliss inhaler hidden beneath his trenchcoat.

“Encoun—” Psypsy didn’t finish his sentence, as Ryan applied the inhaler to his face and pumped his brain full of drugs. From the telepath’s point of view, the courier appeared to have teleported in front of him. Giant water bubbles had captured his allies, quickly drowning them into unconsciousness.

Tentacles wriggled free out of Psyshock’s clothes, revealing his true monstrous self, but the drug acted quicker. The telepath’s limbs trashed around like beheaded snakes while he collapsed to the ground, his brain overwhelmed by Bliss. Soon Psyshock went limp, liquid dripping from his inhuman skull.

The whole conflict had lasted half a minute.

“I prefer to make my fights fun and relaxing, like smelling flowers in a park, but you’re an exception,” Ryan said before kicking the helpless Psyshock. “You really overstayed your welcome.”

He was saving himself for Wardrobe anyway.

“That was quick,” a new voice said. Ryan didn’t even turn around, as Shroud appeared at his side. “I see you rehearsed.”

“About that, Shortie, you modified the oxygen supply as I asked?” Ryan pointed a finger at Mosquito, who struggled to stay conscious in the water prison. “Bugs and water don’t mesh well.”

“I… yes, I did. He shouldn’t get brain damage.” Len glanced at Shroud, leaving the next part of her sentence unsaid: this time.

The next member of Quicksave’s Avengers arrived while driving a fearsome bicycle, honking to intimidate his foes. The Monster of the East had come to lay waste to Psychos and evildoers alike, to bathe his fur in their blood.

said as he abruptly stopped his vehicle near the Meta-Gang’s minibus, ready for battle. “He will

Pandawan,” Ryan replied, patting the manbear on the shoulder.

so we’ll eat before defeating

raised a fist to the heavens. “We shall eat villains’ dreams and

“I-I understand, Sifu!”

Shroud asked, glancing at

his apprentice’s behalf. “I thought he would be a good addition to your traveling

“I… the Panda doesn’t have much work experience, but it would be

shrug. “It’s not skills that make a hero, it’s the heart. You can pick up the first

pleasantly surprised. Then again, the Carnival had a tremendously high rate of turnover, so they couldn’t afford to turn down volunteers. The mere idea of joining this illustrious group of heroes invigorated the Panda, the manbear ready to take names and

we waiting for?” Len asked

more.” Ryan had considered bringing Atom Kitty to the party too, but putting him, his sister, and Livia in the same team was bound to backfire. At this point, Felix was too scornful of his family to stand them. “Afterwards, drug bust, and we haul everyone we catch to

need to keep them prisoner,” Shroud said while glancing at the captured Meta-Gang members. “They are

Panda asked,

by the book,” Ryan reassured his young Pandawan. “By

to imprison Psychos?” Shroud asked with heavy sarcasm. “They have unique powers. Sarin and Frank the Mad in particular will destroy any

the rest. “Not if the

Looking Glass immediately caught on and

the habitats from my sanctuary,” Len explained with

turn into fish, the prisoners won’t swim far before the pressure crushes them,” Ryan said. “We

Adam the Ogre?” Shroud

silly. Whalie will be extradited to Monaco.” With luck, the

doubt. Perhaps he had guessed Ryan had a plan to change that,

either, Riri,” Len said. “But… well, imprisonment is always better than killing.

the Panda’s surprise, as the sound

her Queen Crimson costume, without the helmet but with a new, white cat-themed necktie; the latter used a tight, white latex catsuit that only enhanced her curvaceous form and meshed well with her golden

two Genomes in fashionable costumes restored Ryan’s

exited the car, before waving a hand at Cancel. “Oh hi,

the budding sociopath replied with the same cheery tone as the courier. “So, whom

said while nodding at the unconscious Psyshock, before greeting everyone else with

couldn’t see her face beneath her power armor’s helmet, she probably examined Livia with mistrust. Shroud’s disappearance

Panda?” Timmy

admitted, though she couldn’t resist a black and white bear’s charm. “I looove pandas

cuddly in his natural form too,” the manbear replied with a friendly nod. “His

Cancel complained as she examined Psyshock. “I prefer it

a lot less enthusiastic. “You

replied as if it were obvious. “People are only genuine when they die. It’s only when I kill meanies that I

noticed the Lamborghini’s windows cracking at

can brainwash and take over others’ bodies, and getting rid of him is the only way to save his victims,” Ryan told the

there were probably non-lethal ways to cure Psyshock’s thralls, but the time-traveler didn’t care about them. The brainjacker and his boss were the strongest arguments for the death penalty the courier had ever

for my signal to execute him,” Livia ordered Cancel. “We

on her waist. “You’re sure you don’t need

with a smile, before glancing at Ryan. “As will this shining

armor in storage, unfortunately,”

“Let’s recover it then.”

from the car’s chest. The seer waited for the hitman to leave, to turn and look at an

his invisibility to Fortuna’s surprise, and took his anger out on Ryan. “You want us to cooperate with his

Livia

“I do not appreciate

and lying to her,” the Augusti princess replied icily, the glass telekinetic flinching upon realizing that she knew his secret identity. “But

“Livy, you like someone

her hand into her own. “Of course not,” she said, “you are more than a friend to

the blonde replied angrily. “I swear, next time I see my brother I will clout him

his arms. “Why would

Livia answered. “To protect this city

The Panda asked,

that, Livy, what are we here for?” Fortuna asked her best friend. “I haven’t mentioned this secret mission to anyone else, not even Narcinia,

scorn. “You came all the way here not knowing

replied confidently. “If a friend needs help,

Shroud shut up, and he seemed to look at Fortuna with a brand new perspective. Ryan wondered if he was starting to see the good qualities in Lucky Girl, just as the courier did in a previous

has found a cache of Mechron weapons,” Livia explained. “They intend

a moment, neither Fortuna nor the Panda seemed to have understood what she said. The Panda looked at Ryan for confirmation, while Fortuna glanced at Livia as if she were joking. “Mechron? The

Fortuna,” Livia replied. “That is why the Meta-Gang

panicking. “Wait, why just the two of us?! We should

on Mechron’s weapons?” Shroud asked, less than thrilled

Fortuna replied. “I heard they eat

Fortuna,” Livia said calmly. “That technology will cause harm no matter who gets it. It has to go. If anyone

scratched the back of her head. “You’re sure about

Shroud found his tongue again. “So this is a temporary alliance until the Mechron base’s threat

you came to New Rome for, and see if we can reach a

their own. Thankfully, though he was ruthless when the situation called for it, Looking Glass would prefer something else than total war. “Everything rests on

who can see the future, so I won’t tell a tale.” Fortuna grinned ear to ear. “My power will guide us

remained silent so far. “So, ready to

life.” Instead of being crushed by the weight of the situation, the manbear had risen to

the children,” Len said, shaking her head. “They have