The Perfect Run

It was May 10th. Psyshock would attack the orphanage any minute now, and a rabbit had hanged himself in the kitchen.

“Come on…” Ryan muttered to himself in consternation. The world-destroyer had used a rope rather than warm intestines, but it had scared Little Sarah to death all the same. “You know it won’t work, right? I’ve tried.”

The plushie played dead.

The courier’s eyes wandered to the walls, covered in gunshots; an empty Beretta awaited on the kitchen’s table, alongside knives, Len’s antidepressants, and alcohol. Little Sarah had come to Ryan crying upon finding the rabbit in this state, and the time-traveler couldn’t blame her.

That wasn’t the first complaint he had received either. Another child had found the plushie in the disaffected shower room with a bucket of water, a bloody pentagram, and a jumper cable; though thankfully it didn’t steal that from Ryan’s car.

Somehow the courier found the plushie’s behavior even creepier than usual.

“What are you trying to achieve?” Ryan asked carefully, unsure how that pattern would progress. The beast no longer reproduced in the presence of children but no longer seemed to care about them either, which worried the courier.

An orphan walked into the kitchen, to find Ryan talking to a hanged rabbit. He looked at the time-traveler and then at the plushie, his face as blank as a Dynamis infomercial.

“It makes sense in context,” Ryan said.

The child walked away wordlessly.

Ryan looked back at the plushie’s big blue eyes, trying to figure out what happened. He remembered what his Elixir had told him, when he briefly entered the Black World.

The plushie didn’t understand death, so it killed others in an attempt to figure it out; or perhaps because it found it funny. But its inability to slay Lightning Butt had forced the monster to reevaluate its approach. It had decided to understand death by experiencing it.

The plushie was having a suicidal phase.

How long would it last? Ryan’s own lasted a while, and involved at least two plane crashes, one yacht, lasers, sharks, piranhas—and as it turned out, Spy movies had lied to him—giraffes, drug-fueled orgies, and one meteorite.

The courier’s hand instinctively moved to the pocket where he kept his A-bomb, and Ryan sighed in relief upon finding it safely in its place.

And then the plushie’s ears rose up in interest.

“No,” Ryan said, shielding his bomb like a maiden’s virginity. “No, don’t you dare.”

The plushie’s head turned to look at Ryan, glancing at his pocket.

In the end, the courier left the plushie hanging from the ceiling and wisely slithered out of the kitchen. He felt the dreadful creature’s gaze on his back even when he exited the room.

If only the courier could pull the off switch. The realization this terrible monster had been pretending it worked all along had crushed all of Ryan’s hope of containing it. He thought of all the time he put the plushie on a shelf, thinking himself safe. Even when he and Jasmine—

…

Oh gods, it had been watching all along.

Ryan exited the orphanage through the front door on this terrible realization, his heart filled with dread and horror. Happy memories had suddenly turned dark and grim. “Riri,” Len said, awaiting him outside in full power armor. “I… I have something for you.”

She tossed him a handheld version of her water rifle, which Ryan gladly accepted. The Meta-Gang’s minibus had reached the courtyard.

The courier didn’t shoot at it on sight this time around, and instead waited for its passengers to step out. Mongrel, more beast than man; Mosquito, utterly anemic without the special blood juice which Ryan provided him in the last loop; and Psyshock, whose mere presence infuriated the time-traveler.

“Hey, Psypsy,” Ryan ‘greeted’ the Meta-Gang’s members, while Len’s fingers tensed on her rifle’s trigger. “I know you won’t care, but the kids here are underage. They’re way too old for you.”

“Little Cesare,” Psyshock replied, Mosquito cracking his knuckles and Mongrel letting out a bestial hiss. “And is that Little Len too? I could recognize her work anywhere. Is your father joining us from beyond the grave too?”

Len remained as silent as a grave, and Ryan couldn’t help but flinch. He already heard Psyshock say those exact words before, but they hit much harder now.

The telepath didn’t remember the previous loop, and since he hadn’t adjusted his behavior either, then Big Fat Adam was certainly alive again. Ryan would have preferred both of them buried for good, but it meant he could predict their behavior.

“Not yet,” Ryan replied, raising his water rifle. “I’m afraid this place is invitation-only. If you take another step, I will have to show you the door, face first.”

Psyshock’s tone turned vicious. “You were not so brave during our last—”

Ryan activated his power, shot both Mosquito and Mongrel with the water rifle in the frozen time, tossed his weapon, and grabbed a Bliss inhaler hidden beneath his trenchcoat.

“Encoun—” Psypsy didn’t finish his sentence, as Ryan applied the inhaler to his face and pumped his brain full of drugs. From the telepath’s point of view, the courier appeared to have teleported in front of him. Giant water bubbles had captured his allies, quickly drowning them into unconsciousness.

Tentacles wriggled free out of Psyshock’s clothes, revealing his true monstrous self, but the drug acted quicker. The telepath’s limbs trashed around like beheaded snakes while he collapsed to the ground, his brain overwhelmed by Bliss. Soon Psyshock went limp, liquid dripping from his inhuman skull.

The whole conflict had lasted half a minute.

“I prefer to make my fights fun and relaxing, like smelling flowers in a park, but you’re an exception,” Ryan said before kicking the helpless Psyshock. “You really overstayed your welcome.”

He was saving himself for Wardrobe anyway.

“That was quick,” a new voice said. Ryan didn’t even turn around, as Shroud appeared at his side. “I see you rehearsed.”

“About that, Shortie, you modified the oxygen supply as I asked?” Ryan pointed a finger at Mosquito, who struggled to stay conscious in the water prison. “Bugs and water don’t mesh well.”

“I… yes, I did. He shouldn’t get brain damage.” Len glanced at Shroud, leaving the next part of her sentence unsaid: this time.

The next member of Quicksave’s Avengers arrived while driving a fearsome bicycle, honking to intimidate his foes. The Monster of the East had come to lay waste to Psychos and evildoers alike, to bathe his fur in their blood.

his vehicle near the Meta-Gang’s minibus, ready for battle.

Pandawan,” Ryan replied, patting the manbear on the shoulder. “But you’re

so we’ll eat before defeating bad

a fist to the heavens. “We

“I-I understand, Sifu!”

do?” Shroud asked, glancing at the Panda with

transform into the most powerful creature on Earth,” Ryan boasted on his

the Panda doesn’t have much work experience, but it would be an

skills that make a hero, it’s the heart. You can pick up the

surprised. Then again, the Carnival had a tremendously high rate of turnover, so they couldn’t afford to turn down volunteers. The mere idea of joining this illustrious group of heroes invigorated the Panda, the manbear ready to

more are we waiting for?” Len asked

bound to backfire. At this point, Felix

to keep them prisoner,” Shroud said while glancing at the captured Meta-Gang members. “They are Psychos and murderers, nobody will

asked, suddenly a lot

them in by the book,” Ryan reassured his young Pandawan. “By the

how do you intend to imprison Psychos?” Shroud asked with heavy sarcasm. “They have unique powers. Sarin and Frank the Mad in particular

two Ryan could turn around, and he had a solution for the rest. “Not if the prison is located twenty leagues

Glass immediately caught on and

with a nod. “They’re, they’re self-sustaining, but

pressure crushes them,” Ryan said. “We can try to rehabilitate people before putting them six

Adam the Ogre?”

With luck, the staff would

Ryan had

“But… well,

to the Panda’s surprise, as the sound of

Lamborghini driven by Cancel. Livia and Fortuna sat at the back. The former wore her Queen Crimson costume, without the helmet but with a new, white cat-themed necktie; the latter used a tight, white latex catsuit that only enhanced her curvaceous form and meshed well

in fashionable costumes restored Ryan’s faith

favorite ladies as they exited the car, before waving a hand at Cancel.

meet you!” the budding sociopath replied with the same cheery tone as the courier. “So, whom do I

nodding at the unconscious Psyshock, before greeting everyone else with a warm smile. “Ryan, Len, Mr.

her power armor’s helmet, she probably examined Livia with mistrust. Shroud’s disappearance didn’t help matters; considering he hadn’t turned visible again, he must

know the Panda?” Timmy hyperventilated

couldn’t resist a black and white bear’s charm. “I looove pandas

his natural form too,” the manbear

out,” Cancel complained as she examined Psyshock.

gulped, suddenly a lot

only genuine when they die. It’s only when I kill meanies that I build a real human connection

the Lamborghini’s windows cracking at the edge,

is the only way to save his victims,”

time-traveler didn’t care about them. The brainjacker and his boss were the strongest arguments for the death penalty the courier had ever seen, and would receive no mercy

execute him,” Livia ordered Cancel. “We

Greta replied, a hand on her waist. “You’re sure you don’t need more

of me,” Livia replied with a

armor in storage, unfortunately,”

“Let’s recover it then.”

helmet from the car’s chest. The seer waited for the

invisibility to Fortuna’s surprise, and took his anger out on Ryan. “You

anything about this plan,” Livia replied with a cold frown.

little,” the vigilante stated. “I do not appreciate

Augusti princess replied icily, the glass telekinetic flinching upon realizing that she knew his secret identity. “But we all have to make

friend?” Fortuna scowled. “Livy, you like someone more

Fortuna by warmly taking her hand into her own. “Of course not,” she said, “you

crap,” the blonde replied angrily. “I swear, next time I see my

crossed his arms. “Why would you

reason as you,” Livia answered. “To protect this

Panda asked,

Fortuna asked her best friend. “I haven’t mentioned

scorn. “You came all the way here not

friend,” she replied confidently. “If a friend needs help, you give it

good qualities in Lucky Girl, just as the courier did in a previous loop. If only she wasn’t so vain, the courier might have dated

“They intend to use it to destroy New Rome, and

Fortuna glanced at Livia as if she were joking. “Mechron? The Mechron?” she asked. “You’re joking, right? Livy, we’re in May,

am not joking Fortuna,” Livia replied. “That is why the Meta-Gang thought

why just the two of us?! We should tell your

hands on Mechron’s weapons?”

Fortuna replied. “I heard

calmly. “That technology will cause harm no matter who gets it. It has to go. If anyone but us knows, it will find its way

back of her head. “You’re sure about

tongue again. “So this is a temporary alliance until the Mechron base’s threat is dealt with,” he stated. “We agree to destroy it together, and then it’s business

we will discuss what you came to

trying to make these two get along on their own. Thankfully, though he was ruthless when the situation

won’t tell a

Len and the Panda, who had remained silent so far. “So, ready to clean up the

everything the Panda trained for, all his life.” Instead of being crushed by the weight of the

to take the children,” Len said, shaking her head. “They have to go, before