The Perfect Run

It was May 10th. Psyshock would attack the orphanage any minute now, and a rabbit had hanged himself in the kitchen.

“Come on…” Ryan muttered to himself in consternation. The world-destroyer had used a rope rather than warm intestines, but it had scared Little Sarah to death all the same. “You know it won’t work, right? I’ve tried.”

The plushie played dead.

The courier’s eyes wandered to the walls, covered in gunshots; an empty Beretta awaited on the kitchen’s table, alongside knives, Len’s antidepressants, and alcohol. Little Sarah had come to Ryan crying upon finding the rabbit in this state, and the time-traveler couldn’t blame her.

That wasn’t the first complaint he had received either. Another child had found the plushie in the disaffected shower room with a bucket of water, a bloody pentagram, and a jumper cable; though thankfully it didn’t steal that from Ryan’s car.

Somehow the courier found the plushie’s behavior even creepier than usual.

“What are you trying to achieve?” Ryan asked carefully, unsure how that pattern would progress. The beast no longer reproduced in the presence of children but no longer seemed to care about them either, which worried the courier.

An orphan walked into the kitchen, to find Ryan talking to a hanged rabbit. He looked at the time-traveler and then at the plushie, his face as blank as a Dynamis infomercial.

“It makes sense in context,” Ryan said.

The child walked away wordlessly.

Ryan looked back at the plushie’s big blue eyes, trying to figure out what happened. He remembered what his Elixir had told him, when he briefly entered the Black World.

The plushie didn’t understand death, so it killed others in an attempt to figure it out; or perhaps because it found it funny. But its inability to slay Lightning Butt had forced the monster to reevaluate its approach. It had decided to understand death by experiencing it.

The plushie was having a suicidal phase.

How long would it last? Ryan’s own lasted a while, and involved at least two plane crashes, one yacht, lasers, sharks, piranhas—and as it turned out, Spy movies had lied to him—giraffes, drug-fueled orgies, and one meteorite.

The courier’s hand instinctively moved to the pocket where he kept his A-bomb, and Ryan sighed in relief upon finding it safely in its place.

And then the plushie’s ears rose up in interest.

“No,” Ryan said, shielding his bomb like a maiden’s virginity. “No, don’t you dare.”

The plushie’s head turned to look at Ryan, glancing at his pocket.

In the end, the courier left the plushie hanging from the ceiling and wisely slithered out of the kitchen. He felt the dreadful creature’s gaze on his back even when he exited the room.

If only the courier could pull the off switch. The realization this terrible monster had been pretending it worked all along had crushed all of Ryan’s hope of containing it. He thought of all the time he put the plushie on a shelf, thinking himself safe. Even when he and Jasmine—

…

Oh gods, it had been watching all along.

Ryan exited the orphanage through the front door on this terrible realization, his heart filled with dread and horror. Happy memories had suddenly turned dark and grim. “Riri,” Len said, awaiting him outside in full power armor. “I… I have something for you.”

She tossed him a handheld version of her water rifle, which Ryan gladly accepted. The Meta-Gang’s minibus had reached the courtyard.

The courier didn’t shoot at it on sight this time around, and instead waited for its passengers to step out. Mongrel, more beast than man; Mosquito, utterly anemic without the special blood juice which Ryan provided him in the last loop; and Psyshock, whose mere presence infuriated the time-traveler.

“Hey, Psypsy,” Ryan ‘greeted’ the Meta-Gang’s members, while Len’s fingers tensed on her rifle’s trigger. “I know you won’t care, but the kids here are underage. They’re way too old for you.”

“Little Cesare,” Psyshock replied, Mosquito cracking his knuckles and Mongrel letting out a bestial hiss. “And is that Little Len too? I could recognize her work anywhere. Is your father joining us from beyond the grave too?”

Len remained as silent as a grave, and Ryan couldn’t help but flinch. He already heard Psyshock say those exact words before, but they hit much harder now.

The telepath didn’t remember the previous loop, and since he hadn’t adjusted his behavior either, then Big Fat Adam was certainly alive again. Ryan would have preferred both of them buried for good, but it meant he could predict their behavior.

“Not yet,” Ryan replied, raising his water rifle. “I’m afraid this place is invitation-only. If you take another step, I will have to show you the door, face first.”

Psyshock’s tone turned vicious. “You were not so brave during our last—”

Ryan activated his power, shot both Mosquito and Mongrel with the water rifle in the frozen time, tossed his weapon, and grabbed a Bliss inhaler hidden beneath his trenchcoat.

“Encoun—” Psypsy didn’t finish his sentence, as Ryan applied the inhaler to his face and pumped his brain full of drugs. From the telepath’s point of view, the courier appeared to have teleported in front of him. Giant water bubbles had captured his allies, quickly drowning them into unconsciousness.

Tentacles wriggled free out of Psyshock’s clothes, revealing his true monstrous self, but the drug acted quicker. The telepath’s limbs trashed around like beheaded snakes while he collapsed to the ground, his brain overwhelmed by Bliss. Soon Psyshock went limp, liquid dripping from his inhuman skull.

The whole conflict had lasted half a minute.

“I prefer to make my fights fun and relaxing, like smelling flowers in a park, but you’re an exception,” Ryan said before kicking the helpless Psyshock. “You really overstayed your welcome.”

He was saving himself for Wardrobe anyway.

“That was quick,” a new voice said. Ryan didn’t even turn around, as Shroud appeared at his side. “I see you rehearsed.”

“About that, Shortie, you modified the oxygen supply as I asked?” Ryan pointed a finger at Mosquito, who struggled to stay conscious in the water prison. “Bugs and water don’t mesh well.”

“I… yes, I did. He shouldn’t get brain damage.” Len glanced at Shroud, leaving the next part of her sentence unsaid: this time.

The next member of Quicksave’s Avengers arrived while driving a fearsome bicycle, honking to intimidate his foes. The Monster of the East had come to lay waste to Psychos and evildoers alike, to bathe his fur in their blood.

vehicle near the Meta-Gang’s

a bit late for that round, my young Pandawan,” Ryan replied, patting the manbear on the shoulder. “But you’re

so we’ll eat before defeating

the heavens. “We shall eat villains’ dreams and drink

“I-I understand, Sifu!”

can he do?” Shroud asked, glancing at

his apprentice’s behalf. “I thought he would be a good addition

Panda doesn’t have much work experience, but it would be

hero, it’s the heart.

of turnover, so they couldn’t afford to turn down volunteers. The mere idea of joining this illustrious group of heroes invigorated the Panda, the manbear ready to

more are we

same team was bound to backfire. At this point, Felix was too scornful of his family to stand them.

is no need to keep them prisoner,” Shroud said while glancing at the captured Meta-Gang members. “They are Psychos and

down?” The Panda asked, suddenly a lot

them in by the book,” Ryan reassured his young Pandawan.

to imprison Psychos?” Shroud asked with heavy sarcasm. “They have unique powers. Sarin and Frank the Mad in

could turn around, and he had a solution for the rest. “Not if the prison is

Glass immediately caught on and glanced

cut off some of the habitats from my sanctuary,” Len explained with a nod. “They’re, they’re

them,” Ryan said. “We can try

Adam the Ogre?” Shroud

be silly. Whalie will be extradited to Monaco.” With luck, the staff would appropriately

in doubt. Perhaps he had guessed Ryan had a plan to change

sure either, Riri,” Len said. “But… well, imprisonment is always better than killing. That won’t

Panda’s surprise, as the

Fortuna sat at the back. The former wore her Queen Crimson costume, without the helmet but with a new, white cat-themed necktie; the latter used a tight, white latex catsuit that only

fashionable

they exited the car, before waving a

sociopath replied with the same cheery tone as the courier. “So, whom do I kill

unconscious Psyshock, before greeting everyone else with a warm

helmet, she probably examined Livia with mistrust. Shroud’s disappearance didn’t help matters; considering he hadn’t turned visible

the Panda?” Timmy hyperventilated

told me about you,” Fortuna admitted, though she couldn’t resist a black and white bear’s charm. “I looove pandas though, they’re so fluffy. I had a stuffed doll

Panda is very cuddly in his natural form too,” the manbear

complained as she examined Psyshock. “I prefer it when

gulped, suddenly a

obvious. “People are only genuine when they die. It’s only when I

cracking at the edge,

getting rid of him is the only way to save his victims,” Ryan told

non-lethal ways to cure Psyshock’s thralls, but the time-traveler didn’t care about them. The brainjacker and his boss were the strongest arguments for the death penalty the courier

Livia ordered Cancel. “We will deal with the rest

wish, boss!” Greta replied, a hand on her waist. “You’re sure you don’t need more backup?

with a smile, before glancing at Ryan. “As will this

in storage, unfortunately,”

“Let’s recover it then.”

not before Livia picked up her helmet from the car’s chest. The seer waited for the hitman to

to Fortuna’s surprise, and took his anger out on Ryan. “You want us

about this plan,” Livia

stated. “I do not appreciate dealing with the heir of a drug-running

my best friend and lying to her,” the Augusti princess replied icily, the glass telekinetic flinching upon realizing that she knew his secret identity. “But we all

Fortuna scowled. “Livy, you like

to suppress the urge to put a hand on his helmet, while Livia reassured the oblivious Fortuna by warmly taking her hand into her own. “Of course not,” she said, “you are more than a

have been if Felix hadn’t treated you like crap,” the blonde replied angrily. “I swear, next time I see my

crossed his arms. “Why would you

as you,” Livia answered. “To protect

The Panda asked, suddenly

what are we here for?” Fortuna asked her best friend. “I haven’t mentioned this secret mission to anyone else, not even Narcinia, but I want to

a hint of scorn. “You came

dearest friend,” she replied confidently. “If a

seemed to look at Fortuna with a brand new perspective. Ryan wondered if he was starting to see the good qualities in Lucky Girl, just as the courier did in a previous loop. If only she wasn’t so vain, the courier might have dated

cache of Mechron weapons,” Livia explained. “They intend to

understood what she said. The Panda looked at Ryan for confirmation, while Fortuna glanced at Livia

not joking Fortuna,” Livia replied. “That is why the Meta-Gang thought they could take

before panicking. “Wait, why just the two of us?! We should tell your

his hands on Mechron’s weapons?” Shroud asked, less than

than Psychos!” Fortuna replied. “I heard they

the future, Fortuna,” Livia said calmly. “That technology will cause harm no matter who gets it. It has to

her head. “You’re sure about

Shroud found his tongue again. “So this is a temporary alliance until the Mechron base’s threat is dealt with,”

the Augusti princess said with a nod. “Afterward, we will discuss what you came to New Rome for, and

said nothing, trying to make these two get along on their own. Thankfully, though he was ruthless when the situation called for it, Looking Glass would prefer something

see the future, so I won’t tell a tale.” Fortuna

Len and the Panda, who had remained silent so far. “So, ready to clean up the

by the weight of the situation, the manbear had risen to the

said, shaking her head. “They have to