The Perfect Run

It was May 10th. Psyshock would attack the orphanage any minute now, and a rabbit had hanged himself in the kitchen.

“Come on…” Ryan muttered to himself in consternation. The world-destroyer had used a rope rather than warm intestines, but it had scared Little Sarah to death all the same. “You know it won’t work, right? I’ve tried.”

The plushie played dead.

The courier’s eyes wandered to the walls, covered in gunshots; an empty Beretta awaited on the kitchen’s table, alongside knives, Len’s antidepressants, and alcohol. Little Sarah had come to Ryan crying upon finding the rabbit in this state, and the time-traveler couldn’t blame her.

That wasn’t the first complaint he had received either. Another child had found the plushie in the disaffected shower room with a bucket of water, a bloody pentagram, and a jumper cable; though thankfully it didn’t steal that from Ryan’s car.

Somehow the courier found the plushie’s behavior even creepier than usual.

“What are you trying to achieve?” Ryan asked carefully, unsure how that pattern would progress. The beast no longer reproduced in the presence of children but no longer seemed to care about them either, which worried the courier.

An orphan walked into the kitchen, to find Ryan talking to a hanged rabbit. He looked at the time-traveler and then at the plushie, his face as blank as a Dynamis infomercial.

“It makes sense in context,” Ryan said.

The child walked away wordlessly.

Ryan looked back at the plushie’s big blue eyes, trying to figure out what happened. He remembered what his Elixir had told him, when he briefly entered the Black World.

The plushie didn’t understand death, so it killed others in an attempt to figure it out; or perhaps because it found it funny. But its inability to slay Lightning Butt had forced the monster to reevaluate its approach. It had decided to understand death by experiencing it.

The plushie was having a suicidal phase.

How long would it last? Ryan’s own lasted a while, and involved at least two plane crashes, one yacht, lasers, sharks, piranhas—and as it turned out, Spy movies had lied to him—giraffes, drug-fueled orgies, and one meteorite.

The courier’s hand instinctively moved to the pocket where he kept his A-bomb, and Ryan sighed in relief upon finding it safely in its place.

And then the plushie’s ears rose up in interest.

“No,” Ryan said, shielding his bomb like a maiden’s virginity. “No, don’t you dare.”

The plushie’s head turned to look at Ryan, glancing at his pocket.

In the end, the courier left the plushie hanging from the ceiling and wisely slithered out of the kitchen. He felt the dreadful creature’s gaze on his back even when he exited the room.

If only the courier could pull the off switch. The realization this terrible monster had been pretending it worked all along had crushed all of Ryan’s hope of containing it. He thought of all the time he put the plushie on a shelf, thinking himself safe. Even when he and Jasmine—

…

Oh gods, it had been watching all along.

Ryan exited the orphanage through the front door on this terrible realization, his heart filled with dread and horror. Happy memories had suddenly turned dark and grim. “Riri,” Len said, awaiting him outside in full power armor. “I… I have something for you.”

She tossed him a handheld version of her water rifle, which Ryan gladly accepted. The Meta-Gang’s minibus had reached the courtyard.

The courier didn’t shoot at it on sight this time around, and instead waited for its passengers to step out. Mongrel, more beast than man; Mosquito, utterly anemic without the special blood juice which Ryan provided him in the last loop; and Psyshock, whose mere presence infuriated the time-traveler.

“Hey, Psypsy,” Ryan ‘greeted’ the Meta-Gang’s members, while Len’s fingers tensed on her rifle’s trigger. “I know you won’t care, but the kids here are underage. They’re way too old for you.”

“Little Cesare,” Psyshock replied, Mosquito cracking his knuckles and Mongrel letting out a bestial hiss. “And is that Little Len too? I could recognize her work anywhere. Is your father joining us from beyond the grave too?”

Len remained as silent as a grave, and Ryan couldn’t help but flinch. He already heard Psyshock say those exact words before, but they hit much harder now.

The telepath didn’t remember the previous loop, and since he hadn’t adjusted his behavior either, then Big Fat Adam was certainly alive again. Ryan would have preferred both of them buried for good, but it meant he could predict their behavior.

“Not yet,” Ryan replied, raising his water rifle. “I’m afraid this place is invitation-only. If you take another step, I will have to show you the door, face first.”

Psyshock’s tone turned vicious. “You were not so brave during our last—”

Ryan activated his power, shot both Mosquito and Mongrel with the water rifle in the frozen time, tossed his weapon, and grabbed a Bliss inhaler hidden beneath his trenchcoat.

“Encoun—” Psypsy didn’t finish his sentence, as Ryan applied the inhaler to his face and pumped his brain full of drugs. From the telepath’s point of view, the courier appeared to have teleported in front of him. Giant water bubbles had captured his allies, quickly drowning them into unconsciousness.

Tentacles wriggled free out of Psyshock’s clothes, revealing his true monstrous self, but the drug acted quicker. The telepath’s limbs trashed around like beheaded snakes while he collapsed to the ground, his brain overwhelmed by Bliss. Soon Psyshock went limp, liquid dripping from his inhuman skull.

The whole conflict had lasted half a minute.

“I prefer to make my fights fun and relaxing, like smelling flowers in a park, but you’re an exception,” Ryan said before kicking the helpless Psyshock. “You really overstayed your welcome.”

He was saving himself for Wardrobe anyway.

“That was quick,” a new voice said. Ryan didn’t even turn around, as Shroud appeared at his side. “I see you rehearsed.”

“About that, Shortie, you modified the oxygen supply as I asked?” Ryan pointed a finger at Mosquito, who struggled to stay conscious in the water prison. “Bugs and water don’t mesh well.”

“I… yes, I did. He shouldn’t get brain damage.” Len glanced at Shroud, leaving the next part of her sentence unsaid: this time.

The next member of Quicksave’s Avengers arrived while driving a fearsome bicycle, honking to intimidate his foes. The Monster of the East had come to lay waste to Psychos and evildoers alike, to bathe his fur in their blood.

vehicle near the Meta-Gang’s

bit late for that round, my young Pandawan,” Ryan replied, patting the manbear

eat before defeating bad

shall eat, yes,” Ryan raised a fist to the heavens. “We shall eat

“I-I understand, Sifu!”

can he do?” Shroud asked, glancing at

Earth,” Ryan boasted on his apprentice’s behalf. “I thought he would be a good

right!” The Panda nodded sheepishly. “I… the Panda doesn’t have much work experience, but it

it’s the heart. You can pick up

a tremendously high rate of turnover, so they couldn’t afford to turn down volunteers. The mere idea of joining this illustrious group of heroes invigorated the Panda, the manbear ready

we waiting for?”

the same team was bound to backfire. At this point, Felix was too scornful of his family to stand them. “Afterwards, drug bust, and we haul everyone we

is no need to keep them prisoner,” Shroud said while glancing at the captured Meta-Gang members. “They are Psychos and murderers, nobody

The Panda asked, suddenly a lot less

in by the book,” Ryan

how do you intend to imprison Psychos?” Shroud asked with heavy sarcasm. “They have unique powers. Sarin and Frank the Mad in particular will destroy any jail they’re put

two Ryan could turn around, and he had a solution for the rest. “Not if the prison is

on and glanced at Shortie.

sanctuary,” Len explained with a nod. “They’re, they’re self-sustaining, but isolated. Like an…

crushes them,” Ryan said. “We can try to rehabilitate people before

Adam the Ogre?” Shroud

to Monaco.” With luck, the staff would appropriately

in doubt. Perhaps he had guessed Ryan had a plan to

either, Riri,” Len said. “But… well, imprisonment is

suddenly turned invisible much to the Panda’s surprise, as the sound of a

former wore her Queen Crimson costume, without the helmet but with a new, white cat-themed necktie; the latter used a tight, white latex catsuit that only enhanced her

sight of two Genomes in fashionable costumes restored Ryan’s

Fortuna,” the courier greeted his favorite ladies as they exited the car, before waving a hand at

same cheery tone

unconscious Psyshock, before greeting everyone

see her face beneath her power armor’s helmet, she probably examined Livia with mistrust. Shroud’s disappearance didn’t help matters; considering he hadn’t turned visible again, he must have learned of Cancel’s range and stayed out

Panda?” Timmy hyperventilated at people recognizing

a black and white bear’s charm. “I looove pandas though, they’re so fluffy. I had a

form too,” the manbear replied with a friendly nod.

out,” Cancel complained as she examined Psyshock. “I

Panda gulped, suddenly a

are only genuine when they die. It’s only when I

noticed the Lamborghini’s windows cracking at the edge, though it

rid of him is the only way to save his victims,” Ryan told the disturbed Panda. “Sometimes, a hero must

care about them. The brainjacker and his boss were the strongest arguments for the death penalty the courier had ever seen, and would

execute him,” Livia ordered Cancel. “We will deal

wish, boss!” Greta replied, a hand on her waist. “You’re sure you don’t need more

of me,” Livia replied with a smile, before glancing at

my armor in

“Let’s recover it then.”

picked up her helmet from the car’s chest. The seer waited for the hitman to leave, to turn and look at an empty spot. “I

his anger out on Ryan. “You want

anything about this plan,” Livia replied with a cold frown. “And he will

little,” the vigilante stated. “I do not appreciate dealing

I appreciate you dating my best friend and lying to her,” the Augusti princess replied icily, the glass telekinetic flinching upon realizing

best friend?” Fortuna scowled. “Livy, you like someone more

her hand into

would have been if Felix hadn’t treated you like crap,” the blonde replied angrily. “I swear, next time I see my

his arms. “Why would you cooperate with

as you,” Livia answered.

Panda

best friend. “I haven’t mentioned this secret mission to anyone else, not

at Fortuna with a hint of scorn. “You came

“If a friend needs help, you give

perspective. Ryan wondered if he was starting to see the good qualities in Lucky Girl,

cache of Mechron weapons,” Livia explained. “They intend

The Panda looked at Ryan for confirmation, while Fortuna glanced at Livia as if she were joking. “Mechron? The Mechron?” she asked. “You’re joking, right? Livy, we’re

why the Meta-Gang thought they could take our families

blinked a few more times, before panicking. “Wait, why just

on Mechron’s weapons?” Shroud

Fortuna replied. “I heard

cause harm no matter who gets it. It has to go. If anyone but

scratched the back of her head. “You’re sure

again. “So this is a temporary alliance until the Mechron base’s threat is dealt

with a nod. “Afterward, we will discuss what you came to New Rome for, and see if

these two get along on their own. Thankfully, though he was ruthless when the situation called for it, Looking Glass would prefer something else than total war. “Everything rests

Livy. You’re the one who can see the future, so I won’t tell a tale.” Fortuna

and the Panda, who had remained

crushed by the weight of the situation, the

Len said, shaking