Untouchable by Marii Solaria

Chapter 12 – Burned Field of Innocence

“Where has my heart gone? An uneven trade for the real world. I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all.“– Field of Innocence by Evanescence

(Content Warning: Mentions of child abuse. Reader discretion is advised.)

Neron

“I don’t know how you did it, man. Lorelai’s hormones are sucking me dry.”

“In a good way or a bad way?”

“As much as I love making love to her, I need some energy to–I don’t know–function throughout the day.”

“Ah, I feel that. When Raina was pregnant with Adonis, instead of running to her, I ended up running away from her because the obsessive need for my dick was killing me.”

Kwame and Valerian’s chatter poked the green monster within me. I haven’t spent time with my best friends lately, so while the pup trainees had their gargantuan pizza party upstairs, we came to the gym for the treadmills. My body sweated, my heart pumped, but the green haze in my mind grows thick as I continued to hear their conversation regarding their mates and families.

Am I jealous? Yes. I’m so goddamn jealous of the blessings it graced my Beta and Gamma with. Don’t get me wrong; they deserve it. They’re good men. I love my nephew Adonis to death. And I’ll be the first one to induct Kwame’s child into the pack officially once they’re horn. But, sometimes, I wish to have a smidgen of their happiness.

Deep in the night, I’d dream about what my life would have been if Kiya accepted me as her mate. I’d dream about our mating, which doesn’t hesitate to get me and Onyx riled up. I’d dream about proposing to her and slipping the biggest diamond ring on her finger while we k*ss as an engaged couple. I’d dream about our wedding with her adorned in the purest of white, making our sacred vows as husband and wife. Lifting her short stature in my arms and k*ssing her as my life depended on it. I’d dream about her belly swelling with my child and holding the bundle of joy in my arms as they take their first breath in this world.

Dreams. That’s all they were. Fleeting wishes of another future where pain and torment didn’t exist. Another future where I hadn’t rejected my mate and took her into my arms where she belonged.

And it angered me because I f*cked up a good thing.

“Yeah, you kind of did…”

“Onyx, you aren’t helping.”

“Hey, you think you’re the only one who’s suffering? I’d cut off my tail for a moment with Artemis! I want our mate as much as you do. I see your dreams, remember? How do you think I feel?”

“Right…I forgot about that. I know you’re hurting too, and I’m the reason. I want our mate so bad, but I can’t take her hating me again.”

“It’s better for us to love her from afar than to keep her close and have her hate every moment spent with us. I wish there was another way to fix this; to keep her with us.”

Chapter 12 med Field of innocence

both know that’s not possible. Kiya isn’t

that, dummy! I know there’s no other solution, but her happiness matters. But, how long will we hurt, Neron? Will we ever get a break?”

tears. But my body betrays me as tears sting my eyes. I’ve only cried. over three people: Mom, Nuria, and Kiya. Yet, Kiya can cut into my emotions with a knife, letting them spill through the barrier I formed around myself.

our

stares

without hesitation. Quickly blinking back the tears that threatened to fall, I gradually decreased my speed

and Kiya,” Kwame spoke up as he maintained a steady pace on

are still the

still hates you?” Valerian

was before, but things are slowly getting better between us. I call it a win she doesn’t feel repulsed by

with Raina. She’s slowly getting used to her big sister

Kwame added. “There’s still a lot for her to process before she thinks about letting anyone from this pack in her heart again. I

left here.”

and I’ll never see

grabbing my towel

it?” Kwame cocked his head to the side. “You keep saying that letting her go is the best

the moment I beat her all those

stupid decisions back then, and it cost us. The

she had that choice? I helped hurt Kiya when she was a f*cking kid and you’re telling me to move on from the fact that I was a monster?” The memory of Kwame slamming me to the ground after I marked Kiya as a betrayer resurfaced in the most brutal of ways. Sensations and chaos, I felt that night rushed

and I was more than ready to make her suffer for taking my

how I would spill her blood in retribution for the spilled blood and

ridding.

monster I was cultivated to be. All the teachings and connections made that forced my mate into culpability reaffirmed my desire to hurt her because of the pain. Waking up without

apart.

I had to take it out on someone. All arrows

I didn’t feel the mate bond between us until the night of the ceremony. It was the first time I haven’t touched her out of hate. I was drowning in hatred and grief. No matter the number of smiles I made, the laughter I shared–even in my relationship with Odessa; underneath it all, I was still hurting. Still writhing, screaming for Mom and Nuria while Dad sunk in darkened pools of alcohol that only grew with every bottle he

probably, still am a monster. How can I love Kiya with the

took your mother and sister away! She deserves

without your mother’s guidance, it’s

can you ask for me to stop hurting her when she killed your little

that you’re happy for the death of your family, you ungrateful

survival felt like an unfair trade for their lives. The pity I felt for her shattered as the hatred for the child bombarded my ears enough for it to twist my mind in agreement. That’s the day the veritable beast was born, and it

forgiving what I’ve done. I’ve destroyed her. I set fire to her field of innocence, dancing in the ashes. of her brokenness. The world got *** That day. No matter how many times

fear I put into

bom out

Goddamnit, Moon Goddess! What is your reason