Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M

37. Having a breakdown

The warm light on my faces wakes me up. At first I’m confused as to how I ended up in my room, but then the heavy hand around my waist brings the memories of what happened back.

I start to internally panic so much so that I’m afraid I’ll wake Ethan up. I didn’t want him up now. Not when I was having a nervous breakdown. Not while my head was a mess. As slowly as I can, I

get up and leave the bed.

He turns and murmurs something in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake up. I heave a sigh of relief even as I put some clothes on and pick up my phone from the dresser.

Tip toing to the door, I wince a little when I open it and it creeks. I look back, my heart in my

mouth. I’m immediately thankful when I see Ethan still in bed.

The sheets were down to his waist, exposing his very well defined abs and an arm was thrown

over his face. Swallowing loudly, I leave the room.

I walk down my stairs feeling like I was doing the walk of shame even though I was in my own

house. The soreness between my legs, a testament of how Ethan took his job at remedying my

pain seriously.

The moment I get the kitchen I let loose. All the panic and anxiety I tried stifling in my room

rushes through me like an Avalanche.

“Call down, people have S** all the time” I try telling myself but instead of calming down it only

increases the pace of my wildly beating heart.

I start pacing the tiled floors. Still unable to believe that I had S** with another man. I always

thought that the only man who would ever touch me or see me naked is Rowan. Here we are

though, not only did I let Ethan kiss me, but I also allowed him into my bed.

Tired of pacing, I sit on the kitchen stool. My feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am I

supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? I didn’t know what the protocol after these type of

things happened is.

Am I supposed to make him breakfast? Would he even want breakfast? Is it something that will

happen again or is it a one nightstand?

I place a hand on my beating heart. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I’ve never done

something like this before. Even if I hadn’t been in love with Rowan, I always believed that I would

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currently not strong.

“You don’t have to love someone to have S** with them…you just have to be attracted to them” A

voice whispers.

I want to argue with it but my phone vibrating stops me. I unlock it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I read the simple message, wondering who could have sent it. That is until I lift my eyes and see it’s from Rowan. I’m shocked and then angry. 4

He has no right at all to send me that stupid message. Not when he has never wished me a happy birthday during our marriage and especially not after the disgusting things he said to me.

I stand up and go back to pacing. I mean why now? Why now when we are divorced? Why today of

all day? A few hours after I have slept with another man.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare two men S**ually, but Ethan thoroughly fucked me. Simple and clear. There was passion and heat, something that lacked with Rowan Ethan took me in positions I didn’t even know were possible. I loved that but I also hated it because it proved how stale my

S** life with Rowan was.

The only time Rowan ever took me like that was the first time we had S** and it was only because he thought he was sleeping with Emma, the love of his fucking life.

I always wanted it to be like that between us. Always thought that something was missing. It wasn’t bad, but I just wanted more.

Now after my night with Ethan I realize what has been missing between Rowan and I was the passion. I also realize that it had been missing because I wasn’t who he had wanted

I push the pain that tries to resurface away. I didn’t want to think that Rowan was holding back even when we were having S** simply because he’d wanted another woman instead.

distract myself from the turmoil of what was happening

birthday. They were from Travis, Letty, mother and

lignore the rest and make a mental note to reply to Letty’s

didn’t understand. Why now? What did they wish

the same voice

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Such a simple

give them that when they didn’t give it to me? How can I forgive them when they broke me? How am I supposed to let it all

only one who got blamed was me. I was

abuses. I took all of it. I took the

got angry. I can feel the

the bigger person. I lost just as much as Rowan did because

see how the guilt broke. No one wanted to see how I was breaking or how I struggled. It was

break just to keep us working? How come I had to break for them to feel good about themselves? They broke me and

All the pain that I have been holding back. All the pain I’ve been pushing down I

even to my own ears. It reverberates off the walls, echoing my torment. I lash out, my fist colliding with any fragile

within my soul. My fragile heart was breaking all over again. The pain swallowing me. Destroying me from

that had been buried deep continues to surface up. Clawing its way out from deep

hate them I hate Rowan for what he put

turn

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me in shock. The kitchen was

barstools.

on my knees in surrender, not caring if

What’s physical pain compared to an

He took and took and I continued to let him. He left me with nothing Ethan. I’m empty, so dark and cold. How do I live like that? How do I let go. I’m so

weights I’m carrying

was trying to hold on to something that wasn’t supposed to stand? That I was living in a waste land that

the pain go, Ava. It’s the only way” he says and I do exactly

cry my heart out

doesn’t say a

scars, lay scattered on the floor A physical

demons tear me apart as I breakdown

bridal style and leads me up the stairs. My eyes were beginning to close

me

God had deemed me guilty of my past sins, I think I’ve already paid enough for

was time to come out of the shadows and live

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37. Having a breakdown

my faces wakes me up. At first I’m confused as to how I ended

then the heavy hand around my waist brings

I’m afraid I’ll wake Ethan up. I didn’t want him up now. Not

up and leave the

his sleep, but he

on and

to the door, I wince a little when I open

thankful when I see

to his waist, exposing his very

his face. Swallowing loudly, I

even though I was in my own. house. The

pain seriously.

All the

me like an

S** all the time” I try telling myself

of my

to believe that I had S** with another man. I always thought that the only man who

only did I let Ethan kiss me, but I

kitchen stool. My feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am 1 supposed to do now? How am I supposed to

him breakfast? Would he even want breakfast? Is it something that will happen again or

going to explode. I’ve never done something like this before. Even if I hadn’t been in love with Rowan, I always believed that I

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currently not strong.

have S** with them…you just have to

voice whispers.

but my phone vibrating stops me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

message, wondering who could have sent it. That is until I lift my eyes

I’m shocked

to send me that stupid message. Not when

our marriage and especially not after the disgusting

and go back to pacing. I mean why now?

after I have slept with another

compare two men S**ually, but Ethan thoroughly

There was passion and heat, something that lacked

know were possible. I loved that but I also hated it because it

life with

took me like that was the first time