Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M

37. Having a breakdown

The warm light on my faces wakes me up. At first I’m confused as to how I ended up in my room, but then the heavy hand around my waist brings the memories of what happened back.

I start to internally panic so much so that I’m afraid I’ll wake Ethan up. I didn’t want him up now. Not when I was having a nervous breakdown. Not while my head was a mess. As slowly as I can, I

get up and leave the bed.

He turns and murmurs something in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake up. I heave a sigh of relief even as I put some clothes on and pick up my phone from the dresser.

Tip toing to the door, I wince a little when I open it and it creeks. I look back, my heart in my

mouth. I’m immediately thankful when I see Ethan still in bed.

The sheets were down to his waist, exposing his very well defined abs and an arm was thrown

over his face. Swallowing loudly, I leave the room.

I walk down my stairs feeling like I was doing the walk of shame even though I was in my own

house. The soreness between my legs, a testament of how Ethan took his job at remedying my

pain seriously.

The moment I get the kitchen I let loose. All the panic and anxiety I tried stifling in my room

rushes through me like an Avalanche.

“Call down, people have S** all the time” I try telling myself but instead of calming down it only

increases the pace of my wildly beating heart.

I start pacing the tiled floors. Still unable to believe that I had S** with another man. I always

thought that the only man who would ever touch me or see me naked is Rowan. Here we are

though, not only did I let Ethan kiss me, but I also allowed him into my bed.

Tired of pacing, I sit on the kitchen stool. My feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am I

supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? I didn’t know what the protocol after these type of

things happened is.

Am I supposed to make him breakfast? Would he even want breakfast? Is it something that will

happen again or is it a one nightstand?

I place a hand on my beating heart. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I’ve never done

something like this before. Even if I hadn’t been in love with Rowan, I always believed that I would

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currently not strong.

“You don’t have to love someone to have S** with them…you just have to be attracted to them” A

voice whispers.

I want to argue with it but my phone vibrating stops me. I unlock it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I read the simple message, wondering who could have sent it. That is until I lift my eyes and see it’s from Rowan. I’m shocked and then angry. 4

He has no right at all to send me that stupid message. Not when he has never wished me a happy birthday during our marriage and especially not after the disgusting things he said to me.

I stand up and go back to pacing. I mean why now? Why now when we are divorced? Why today of

all day? A few hours after I have slept with another man.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare two men S**ually, but Ethan thoroughly fucked me. Simple and clear. There was passion and heat, something that lacked with Rowan Ethan took me in positions I didn’t even know were possible. I loved that but I also hated it because it proved how stale my

S** life with Rowan was.

The only time Rowan ever took me like that was the first time we had S** and it was only because he thought he was sleeping with Emma, the love of his fucking life.

I always wanted it to be like that between us. Always thought that something was missing. It wasn’t bad, but I just wanted more.

Now after my night with Ethan I realize what has been missing between Rowan and I was the passion. I also realize that it had been missing because I wasn’t who he had wanted

I push the pain that tries to resurface away. I didn’t want to think that Rowan was holding back even when we were having S** simply because he’d wanted another woman instead.

back to my phone. Just to distract myself from the turmoil

find more text wishing me a happy birthday. They were from Travis, Letty, mother and

a mental note to reply to

just didn’t understand. Why now? What did

forgiveness?” the

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Such a simple

them that when they didn’t give it to me? How can I forgive them when they broke me?

Rowan and I were drunk but I’m the only one who got punished. The only one who got blamed was me. I was the one that

emotional and verbal abuses. I took all of it.

feel the angry tears

being the bigger person. I

to see how the guilt broke. No one wanted to see how I was

to break for them to feel good

holding back. All the pain I’ve been pushing down I can’t contain it anymore. It all comes rushing to the surface as my

even to my own ears. It reverberates off the walls, echoing my torment. I

My fragile heart was breaking all

continues to surface up. Clawing its way

hate them I hate Rowan for what

I turn

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there shirtless He looks at me in shock. The kitchen

barstools.

knees in surrender, not caring if I hurt myself on

What’s physical pain compared to an emotional

I continued to let him. He left me with nothing Ethan. I’m empty, so dark and cold. How do I live like that? How do

these weights I’m carrying are getting heavy”

I was trying to hold on to something that wasn’t supposed to stand? That I was living

me. “Let it all go, let the pain go, Ava. It’s the only way” he says and I do exactly

nails dig into his flesh as I cry my heart out and I transfer all that pain to him.

a

my past, my unhealed scars, lay scattered on the floor A physical manifestation of the emotional turmoil that had finally

tear me apart as I breakdown

and leads me up the stairs. My eyes were beginning to close as I feel a certain peace settle deep

me

already paid enough for those mistakes. It was time to leave the past where it belonged. It was

hiding. It was time to come out of

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37. Having a breakdown

warm light on my faces wakes me up. At first I’m confused as to

around my waist brings

much so that I’m afraid I’ll wake Ethan up. I didn’t want him up now. Not when I was having a nervous breakdown. Not while my head was a mess. As slowly as I can,

up and leave

he doesn’t wake up. I heave a sigh of

as I put some clothes on and pick up my

when I open it and it creeks. I look back, my heart

I see Ethan still

his very well

face. Swallowing loudly, I leave

the walk of shame even though I was in my own. house. The soreness between my legs, a testament of how Ethan took his job at remedying

pain seriously.

moment I get the kitchen I let loose. All the panic and anxiety I tried

me like an

I try telling myself but

pace of my wildly

unable to believe that I had S** with another man. I always thought that the only man who would

let Ethan kiss me,

stool. My feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am 1 supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? I didn’t know

make him breakfast? Would he even want breakfast? Is it something that will happen again or is

chest was going to explode. I’ve never done something like this before. Even if I

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currently not strong.

to have S** with them…you

voice whispers.

with it but my phone vibrating stops me. I

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

simple message, wondering who could have sent it. That

from Rowan. I’m shocked and

stupid message. Not when he has never wished me

not after the disgusting

to pacing. I mean why now? Why now when we

A few hours after I

don’t think it’s fair to compare two men S**ually, but

something that lacked with Rowan. Ethan took

that but

life with Rowan

me like that was the first time we had