Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M

37. Having a breakdown

The warm light on my faces wakes me up. At first I’m confused as to how I ended up in my room, but then the heavy hand around my waist brings the memories of what happened back.

I start to internally panic so much so that I’m afraid I’ll wake Ethan up. I didn’t want him up now. Not when I was having a nervous breakdown. Not while my head was a mess. As slowly as I can, I

get up and leave the bed.

He turns and murmurs something in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake up. I heave a sigh of relief even as I put some clothes on and pick up my phone from the dresser.

Tip toing to the door, I wince a little when I open it and it creeks. I look back, my heart in my

mouth. I’m immediately thankful when I see Ethan still in bed.

The sheets were down to his waist, exposing his very well defined abs and an arm was thrown

over his face. Swallowing loudly, I leave the room.

I walk down my stairs feeling like I was doing the walk of shame even though I was in my own

house. The soreness between my legs, a testament of how Ethan took his job at remedying my

pain seriously.

The moment I get the kitchen I let loose. All the panic and anxiety I tried stifling in my room

rushes through me like an Avalanche.

“Call down, people have S** all the time” I try telling myself but instead of calming down it only

increases the pace of my wildly beating heart.

I start pacing the tiled floors. Still unable to believe that I had S** with another man. I always

thought that the only man who would ever touch me or see me naked is Rowan. Here we are

though, not only did I let Ethan kiss me, but I also allowed him into my bed.

Tired of pacing, I sit on the kitchen stool. My feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am I

supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? I didn’t know what the protocol after these type of

things happened is.

Am I supposed to make him breakfast? Would he even want breakfast? Is it something that will

happen again or is it a one nightstand?

I place a hand on my beating heart. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I’ve never done

something like this before. Even if I hadn’t been in love with Rowan, I always believed that I would

+15 BONUS

currently not strong.

“You don’t have to love someone to have S** with them…you just have to be attracted to them” A

voice whispers.

I want to argue with it but my phone vibrating stops me. I unlock it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I read the simple message, wondering who could have sent it. That is until I lift my eyes and see it’s from Rowan. I’m shocked and then angry. 4

He has no right at all to send me that stupid message. Not when he has never wished me a happy birthday during our marriage and especially not after the disgusting things he said to me.

I stand up and go back to pacing. I mean why now? Why now when we are divorced? Why today of

all day? A few hours after I have slept with another man.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare two men S**ually, but Ethan thoroughly fucked me. Simple and clear. There was passion and heat, something that lacked with Rowan Ethan took me in positions I didn’t even know were possible. I loved that but I also hated it because it proved how stale my

S** life with Rowan was.

The only time Rowan ever took me like that was the first time we had S** and it was only because he thought he was sleeping with Emma, the love of his fucking life.

I always wanted it to be like that between us. Always thought that something was missing. It wasn’t bad, but I just wanted more.

Now after my night with Ethan I realize what has been missing between Rowan and I was the passion. I also realize that it had been missing because I wasn’t who he had wanted

I push the pain that tries to resurface away. I didn’t want to think that Rowan was holding back even when we were having S** simply because he’d wanted another woman instead.

to my phone. Just to distract myself from the

birthday. They were from Travis, Letty, mother and even

lignore the rest and make a mental note to reply to Letty’s

now? What did they wish to

the

+15 BONUS

Such a simple word

give them that when they didn’t give it to me? How can I forgive them when they broke me? How am I supposed to let it all go when they didn’t let me live in peace for what

Both Rowan and I were drunk but I’m the only one who got punished. The only one who got blamed

took all of it. I took the blame even though I shouldn’t

I got angry. I can feel the angry tears trying to fall and this time I don’t want to push

tired. So fucking tired of being the bigger person. I lost just

wanted to see how I was breaking or how I struggled. It

had to break just to keep us working? How come I had to break for them to feel good about themselves? They broke me and yet no one wants to acknowledge that. No one wants to acknowledge my

have been holding back. All the pain I’ve been pushing down I can’t contain it anymore. It all comes

mouth is animalistic even to my own ears. It reverberates off the walls, echoing my torment. I lash out, my fist colliding with any fragile

glass and splintering wood fills the air Mirroring the chaos within my soul. My fragile heart was breaking all over again. The pain swallowing me. Destroying

buried deep continues to surface up. Clawing its

hate Rowan

turn

+15 BONUS

shirtless He looks at me in shock. The kitchen

barstools.

him there, I fall down on my knees in

pain compared to an emotional

nothing Ethan. I’m empty, so dark and cold. How do I live like that? How do I let go.

weights I’m carrying are getting heavy” I

was trying to hold on to something that wasn’t supposed to stand? That I was living in a waste land that they banished

“Let it all go, let the pain go, Ava. It’s the only way”

heart

doesn’t say a word. He

unhealed scars, lay scattered on the floor A physical manifestation of the emotional turmoil

tear me apart as I breakdown and all the pain I

leads me

me

had deemed me guilty of my past sins, I think I’ve already paid enough for those mistakes. It was

done hiding. It was time to come out of the shadows and

+15 BONUS

37. Having a breakdown

up. At first I’m confused as to how I

hand around my waist brings the memories of what

want him up now. Not

up and leave

he doesn’t wake up. I heave a

clothes on and

when I open it and it creeks. I look back,

I’m immediately thankful when I see Ethan still in

his very well defined abs

face. Swallowing loudly, I leave the

was doing the walk of shame even though I was in my own. house. The soreness between my legs, a testament of how Ethan took his job at remedying

pain seriously.

loose. All the panic and anxiety I tried stifling in my

through me like an

down, people have S** all the time” I try telling myself

pace of my

the tiled floors. Still unable to believe that I had S** with another man. I always thought that the

kiss me, but I also allowed him into

tapping nervously on the floor. What am 1 supposed to do now? How am I supposed

Is

I’ve never done something like this

+15 BONUS

currently not strong.

have to love someone to have S** with them…you just have to

voice whispers.

argue with it but my phone vibrating stops

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

sent it.

I’m shocked

me that stupid message.

our marriage and especially not after the disgusting

back to pacing. I mean why

A few hours after I have slept

fair to compare two men S**ually, but Ethan thoroughly fucked me.

passion and heat, something that lacked with Rowan. Ethan took

didn’t even know were possible. I loved that but I also

life with Rowan

that was the