Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M

37. Having a breakdown

The warm light on my faces wakes me up. At first I’m confused as to how I ended up in my room, but then the heavy hand around my waist brings the memories of what happened back.

I start to internally panic so much so that I’m afraid I’ll wake Ethan up. I didn’t want him up now. Not when I was having a nervous breakdown. Not while my head was a mess. As slowly as I can, I

get up and leave the bed.

He turns and murmurs something in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake up. I heave a sigh of relief even as I put some clothes on and pick up my phone from the dresser.

Tip toing to the door, I wince a little when I open it and it creeks. I look back, my heart in my

mouth. I’m immediately thankful when I see Ethan still in bed.

The sheets were down to his waist, exposing his very well defined abs and an arm was thrown

over his face. Swallowing loudly, I leave the room.

I walk down my stairs feeling like I was doing the walk of shame even though I was in my own

house. The soreness between my legs, a testament of how Ethan took his job at remedying my

pain seriously.

The moment I get the kitchen I let loose. All the panic and anxiety I tried stifling in my room

rushes through me like an Avalanche.

“Call down, people have S** all the time” I try telling myself but instead of calming down it only

increases the pace of my wildly beating heart.

I start pacing the tiled floors. Still unable to believe that I had S** with another man. I always

thought that the only man who would ever touch me or see me naked is Rowan. Here we are

though, not only did I let Ethan kiss me, but I also allowed him into my bed.

Tired of pacing, I sit on the kitchen stool. My feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am I

supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? I didn’t know what the protocol after these type of

things happened is.

Am I supposed to make him breakfast? Would he even want breakfast? Is it something that will

happen again or is it a one nightstand?

I place a hand on my beating heart. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I’ve never done

something like this before. Even if I hadn’t been in love with Rowan, I always believed that I would

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currently not strong.

“You don’t have to love someone to have S** with them…you just have to be attracted to them” A

voice whispers.

I want to argue with it but my phone vibrating stops me. I unlock it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I read the simple message, wondering who could have sent it. That is until I lift my eyes and see it’s from Rowan. I’m shocked and then angry. 4

He has no right at all to send me that stupid message. Not when he has never wished me a happy birthday during our marriage and especially not after the disgusting things he said to me.

I stand up and go back to pacing. I mean why now? Why now when we are divorced? Why today of

all day? A few hours after I have slept with another man.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare two men S**ually, but Ethan thoroughly fucked me. Simple and clear. There was passion and heat, something that lacked with Rowan Ethan took me in positions I didn’t even know were possible. I loved that but I also hated it because it proved how stale my

S** life with Rowan was.

The only time Rowan ever took me like that was the first time we had S** and it was only because he thought he was sleeping with Emma, the love of his fucking life.

I always wanted it to be like that between us. Always thought that something was missing. It wasn’t bad, but I just wanted more.

Now after my night with Ethan I realize what has been missing between Rowan and I was the passion. I also realize that it had been missing because I wasn’t who he had wanted

I push the pain that tries to resurface away. I didn’t want to think that Rowan was holding back even when we were having S** simply because he’d wanted another woman instead.

go back to my phone. Just to distract myself from the turmoil of what was happening

more text wishing me a happy birthday. They were from

make a mental note to reply to Letty’s

What did they wish

forgiveness?” the

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a simple word

didn’t give it to me? How can I forgive them when they broke me? How am I supposed to let it all go

blamed was me. I was the one that was called names, the one that was looked down on. The only

one that got the emotional and verbal abuses. I took all of it. I took

more I got angry. I can feel the angry tears trying to fall and this time I don’t

so tired. So fucking tired of being the bigger person. I lost just as much as Rowan

the guilt broke. No one wanted to see how I was breaking or how I struggled. It was always about Rowan

working? How come I had to break for them to feel good about themselves? They broke me and yet no one wants to acknowledge that.

me. All the pain that I have been holding back. All the pain I’ve been pushing down I can’t contain it anymore. It all comes rushing to the surface as my world

reverberates off the walls, echoing

splintering wood fills the air Mirroring the chaos within my soul. My fragile heart was breaking all over again. The pain swallowing me. Destroying me

each passing moment, the anguish that had been buried deep continues to surface up. Clawing its way out

them I hate Rowan for what he put

turn

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me in

barstools.

him there, I fall down on my knees in surrender, not caring if I hurt myself

pain

him. I gave him my all. He took and took and I continued to let him. He left me with nothing Ethan. I’m empty, so dark and cold. How do I live

all these weights I’m carrying

to hold on to something that wasn’t supposed to stand? That I was living in a

around me. “Let it all go, let the pain go, Ava. It’s the only way”

my heart out and

He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t

scattered on the floor A physical manifestation of the emotional turmoil that had finally

tear me apart as I breakdown and all the pain I

against him. Completely and utterly drained. He gently picks me up bridal style and leads me up the stairs. My eyes were beginning to close as I feel a certain peace

me

I think I’ve already paid enough for those mistakes. It was time to leave the past where it

done hiding. It was time to come out of the shadows

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37. Having a breakdown

me up. At first I’m confused as to how I ended up in my

the heavy hand around my waist brings the memories

want him up now. Not when I was having a nervous breakdown. Not while my head was a mess. As slowly

up and leave the

but he

put some clothes on and pick up my

little when I open it and

thankful when I

sheets were down to his waist, exposing his very well defined abs

loudly, I leave the

my stairs feeling like I was doing the walk of shame even though I was in

pain seriously.

All the

me like

down, people have S** all the time” I try telling myself but instead of

of my wildly beating

floors. Still unable to believe that I had S** with another man. I always thought that the only man who would ever touch me or see

only did I let Ethan kiss me,

the kitchen stool. My feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am 1 supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? I didn’t know what the protocol after these type

he even want breakfast? Is it something that will happen again

beating heart. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I’ve never done something like this before. Even if I hadn’t been in love with

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currently not strong.

love someone to have S** with them…you just

voice whispers.

argue with it but my phone vibrating stops me. I unlock

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

who could have sent it. That is until I

I’m shocked and

no right at all to send me that stupid message.

during our marriage and especially not after the disgusting things he said to

up and go back to pacing. I mean why now? Why now when

hours after

men S**ually,

something that lacked with Rowan. Ethan took

were possible. I loved that but I

with

like that was the first time we had S** and it was only