Letting My Brother's Best Friend Take My V-Card

FORGIVEN?

JOSH - SENIOR YEAR

I stood outside Laura's house, my hands buried deep in my jacket pockets as the crisp evening air nipped at my skin. My breath came out in uneven puffs of white mist, but the chill wasn't what was making my chest tight. It was her.

Her house loomed in front of me, the porch light casting a warm glow against the dark. I knew she was inside, probably curled up on the couch or doing something mundane, and yet it felt like an impossible task to just walk up and knock. What would I even say? Hey, Laura. I know I broke your heart and destroyed everything we had, but can we talk? Yeah, that would go over real fucking well.

I paced the small stretch of sidewalk, running my hand through my hair and cursing under my breath. I'd been standing out here for what felt like forever, trying to psych myself up. The weight of what I'd done was like a brick in my chest, making it hard to breathe. The truth was, I was terrified.

I'd never been this scared in my life-not before a game, not even when I was a kid sneaking out past curfew. This was different. This was her. And if I messed this up, there was no fixing it. 0.00%

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I stopped in front of the door, inhaling deeply through my nose and holding it for a moment before letting it out slowly. My hand hovered in the air, ready to knock, but my chest tightened again. What if she slammed the door in my face? What if she didn't even let me explain? "Come on, Josh," I muttered to myself. "Man up."

Before I could convince myself to just get it over with, the door

swung open.

Laura stood there, her expression a mix of exasperation and something softer I couldn't quite place. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail, and she was wearing one of those oversized sweatshirts that always swallowed her frame. She looked like home. "You've been out here for an hour now," she said, crossing her arms and leaning against the doorframe.

An hour? Damn.

I scratched the back of my neck and forced a nervous smile. "I didn't know how to start this conversation," I admitted, my voice quieter than I'd intended.

Her lips pressed into a thin line, and for a second, I thought she might shut the door in my face. But she stepped aside and gestured for me to come in.

me like a punch to the gut. She closed the

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FORGIVEN?

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cheek still there. I wanted to

from one foot to the other. "I... I screwed up," I started,

She raised an eyebrow, her expression

much I know, Josh."

I deserved that. Hell, I deserved a

but she didn't back away. That was something, at least. "I was scared," I said, the words tumbling out in a rush. "I know

tightened around herself, her nails digging into the fabric of her sweatshirt. Her silence was killing me, but

it," I admitted, my voice cracking. "Because I thought... I don't know what I thought. Maybe that if I ruined it first, it wouldn't hurt as much if you left. But it was the dumbest thing I've ever done. What happened with..." I swallowed hard, my throat dry. "It didn't mean anything, Laura. It never

and for the first time, I saw the tears shining there. "It meant something to me," she

had been caved in. "That's not true," I said, taking another step toward

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clenched, her walls firmly in place. "You're more than enough, Laura. You're

eyes searched mine, and for a moment, I thought I might have lost her for good. Then,

against my cold fingers,

life," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "Not of losing a game, not of getting hurt on the field-nothing compares to the fear of losing you. And know I've already lost you, but I'll spend the rest of my

tears spilled over then, and she wiped them away quickly, her movements jerky and frustrated. "Josh. This isn't... We aren't... We have time to find the right person and I'm not yours..." she

hand tightened around hers, and

you sat in our kitchen and painted Jess's art project and spoke about Paris. You thought I wasn't listening, but!