Jane

I’m staring at Devon with utmost apprehension, my thoughts racing at a mile a minute. What in the Goddess’s name is he about to tell me? All of a sudden, I realize that whatever it is – I don’t want to hear it. My heart is racing every bit as fast as my thoughts, pounding violently against my ribcage.

To imagine that yet another person in my life – one I taught myself to trust despite all my bad experiences, who I’ve come to trust above anyone else save Linda- might have betrayed me, is just too much to contemplate.

Devon is watching me anxiously, trying to work up the courage to say whatever it is he intends. The hand I rejected a moment ago now clasps his other, shaking with the force he’s using to lock his fingers together. Already I know whatever is coming must be very bad indeed- or he wouldn’t be so nervous.

“I’m sorry, Devon.” I choke suddenly, lurching to my feet. “I can’t do this. I can’t be here right now.”

“Jane wait-” He stands as well, reaching towards me as if he worries I won’t be steady on my feet. “

It’s not what you think!”

“No,” I shake my head, cradling my hand over the curve of my belly. “I have to go.”I stalk out the door before he can stop me, and though the heavy wood slams behind me, I can hear him swearing up a storm.

I rush to my new car, it’s silver paint still gleaming with a factory wax finish. I slide into the drivers seat and start the engine, locking the door when I see Devon rush out of the house behind me. I shift it into gear and take off towards my apartment, tears streaming down my cheeks. I thought I’d cried a lot during my first pregnancy, but this one is quickly proving me wrong.

“Goddess Damn It, Ethan!” I cry into the empty car.

Wasn’t it hard enough with the quadruplets?

Couldn’t you give me even one baby that won’t rip my heart out just getting here?”

I know the only thing that’s going to make me feel better right now is seeing my pups, but I also know I can’t go home to them in this state. It’s not only that I don’t want them to see me cry, Dr Nora has been warning me about not imposing my personal traumas on them. I don’t want to teach them that people are bad and not to be trusted, even if my experiences have made me feel that way.

Sobbing, I pull over and lower my head to the steering wheel, letting the tears wrack my body until I can breathe again until the deluge finally ebbs and slows and I can think clearly. I do a few breathing exercises, and dry my face, checking the rearview mirror to make sure my skin isn’t too splotchy.

to cry gave him the headstart

babysitter has already left and Devon is alone with the pups. I can hear their laughter before I even walk through the door. I push inside, finding

up when I enter, and suddenly the excited pups are charging me, Mommy” Three beloved

in the background. It’s amazing how they can make my heart swell with a single word, a single touch. I feel so much lighter, even when Parker looks up at me with an impish grin and declares, “Mommy, your tummy gets rounder every

world ‘Il be so big and fat I’ll have to waddle like a penguin. I won’t even be able to stand up by myself, you three will have to buy

we don’t have money for

worry.” Riley interjects, “we’ll take cares of you and then you’ll never have to get

hand and foot?” I lower my voice

what if I have to

true.” Parker muses, “She pees all

can learn to

you won’t have to worry bout

you what,” Devon cuts in, coming to stand behind them. “if you pups can

resting, I’ll handle getting her up

the humor gone from my voice. “Pups, can you give me and

Riley narrows her eyes, her young voice rising in a familiar lilt. “Are you gonna

sweetheart, we just need to talk.” I lie, hating that this man is making me mislead

to their bedroom, and I wait until the door closes behind them to turn on Devon. “I say I can’t do this’ and run out, and your response is

me out?” Devon pleads, keeping his voice low and glancing to the pups door. “I haven’t been actively lying to you, I’ve just been withholding something- something personal about myself that I was too afraid to share – surely you can understand what that’s like – of all

my heart softens

my guard down just yet. “If I can understand it so

I didn’t want to scare you.” To my amazement, Devon’s voice is thick

didn’t want you to hate me… before I even got a chance to prove to you that I’m

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