Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M

58. His hearing

Ava

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Have you ever felt like you’re just living through the motions? Like nothing and no one around you

is real? I googled it. G****e said it was a form of dissociating. It happens especially with adults who had childhood traumas. It’s a coping mechanism where the person separates him or herself from what’s hurting or causing them stress.

After I read that, I realized that maybe Letty was right. Maybe I did need help. Professional help. Maybe I should start seeing a therapist. I know I have issues. Deep seated traumas that I haven’t been able to work through.

Sighing, I stand up and start pacing the room. My mind was racing and no matter what, I couldn’t settle down. I’ve pushed everyone away since that time when everyone was at my house. I’ve refused to take calls or talk to anyone.

I just wanted to be left alone. To process everything on my own. Sometimes I feel the weight of everything falling on me and it’s just hard. It becomes too much to handle some times and I’m left feeling hollow and empty inside.

My phones rings, cutting through the silent space. I check the caller Id, it was Brian calling. I know why. Today is Ethan’s trial and he wanted me to come and testify against him. Just like I couldn’t press charges, I also couldn’t testify. (3)

I’m not condoning what Ethan did. He did some pretty messed up things, but I just can’t bring myself to put a nail on his coffin. Every time I’ve thought about going ahead and pressing charges or testifying, every good moment we’ve shared comes to my mind and I immediately withdraw from the thoughts.

Ethan, the Ethan I knew, was good to me. He made me feel good, and not just S**ually. He brought out a side of me I never knew and taught to me embrace it. That’s why his betrayal hurts so much. 1

With Rowan, I always knew he didn’t like me. Even when we were younger, he tolerated me because I was Emma and Travis‘ sister. Yes he hurt me and it broke my heart, but deep down I always knew it was to be expected. His hate for me, no matter how painful wasn’t new.

When it comes to Ethan though, it’s painful because I never expected he would hurt me. I thought we were on the same page. I thought that he felt the same way. I thought his feelings and actions towards me weren’t tainted. It hurt because it turned out to be a lie. It hurt because I never saw it

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I should have though. Everyone in my life, except Noah, has hurt me. I was now even doubting

Letty and my new found parents. How do I know they don’t have ulterior motives? How do I know

they won’t hurt me or betray me? How do I know they’re not just playing me?

The fucking questions never leave me and it was driving me insane.

Tired of pacing and driving myself crazy, I take a hat, sunglasses, my car keys and then I leave. I

start driving not really sure where I was going.

I don’t know how I end up at the court house, but it’s only after I park my car that I realize where I

1. I look at my hat and sunglasses and frown.

all along.

crazy” I tell myself as I put my

and walk slowly towards the building. I was giving myself time to back out. I don’t though, instead I

was here to see

hearing and wrong doings from leaking to the media. I

damage that would do to their

that for Ethan’s

I get to the one that was hosting Ethan’s

doesn’t make a sound. I didn’t want anyone

was here.

seat. I fix

is okay before silencing

Officer

My parents

on the

the cops were there. So

him here. He did hate Ethan though, and Rowan is

enemies

realize that I was seated

2/4

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against the charges by the police

be

lawyer’s

says

then, you may continue” she

to their station. He didn’t see anything wrong and he

Travis and finally Letty. Travis didn’t say much. He only talked about Ethan’s friendship with Letty. Letty talked about the role he played in my life and how we never suspected a thing. She also recounted the

missing any

everyone has testified the judge takes a break and

this hearing

every accusation levelled against him” she

you, you’re

a police officer, two years for kidnapping, two years for falsifying documents and fifteen years for murder attempt with

her gavel

my heart at hearing his sentence. Twenty one years in

time. 2

Ethan one more time before slipping out the

a tear makes its way down my cheek.

be able to recognize you,